The Blackadder Parody
by snake screamer
Summary: this is the first start of my Blackadder parody.
1. Foretelling pt1

Heres my blackadder parody starting with season 1 (and sorry I couldn't think of anyone replacing king Richard the third so I decided to stick with him

At first we see nothing but then a booming voice is heard

History has known many great liars. Copernicus, Goebbels, St Ralph the Liar [he is shown holding a sign which reads `St Benedict the Liar']

But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor king, Darkstar (we turn the view to see a man wearing dark medieval clothing and a mask covering his face). It was he who rewrote history to portray his processor King as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the Tower. But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished his young wards. In particular, Sarge, Duke of York, who grew into a big, strong boy (we now see a young boy than shift the camera to see someone wearing Red Sparta armor).

Darkstar also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field and killed Richard III. Again, the truth is very different; for it was Sarge, who became king after Bosworth Field, and reigned for thirteen glorious years. As for who really killed Richard III and how the defeated Darkstar escaped with his life, all is revealed in this; the first chapter of a history never before told: the history of Voltar!

The Eve of The Battle of Bosworth Field, 21st of August, everyone is eating for the feast in the middle was the king and next to him were Sarge and a man wearing Marooned Spartan armor. Sarge grabbed a cup and bang on the table and said with a Texas accent "Shut up Dirtbags, the king wishes to speak

King Richard then spoke "Now is the summer of our sweet content,  
Made o'er-cast winter by these Darkstar clouds.  
And I that am not shaped for black-faced war,"  
the people gathered appropriately make noises to the contrary "I that am rudely cast and want true majesty,"  
[more noises from the people, then he fixes his hunched position "Am forced to fight,  
To set sweet England free.  
I pray to Heaven we fare well,  
And all who fight us go to Hell."" (I left this speech mostly intact cause I find it sorta cool though it was hard to write all that man)

Cheers from everyone, suddenly a midget that was wearing a Red Helmet with two antennas, and a Red Jumpsuit sitting at the very end of the table, stands up, raising his goblets, and said rather weakly "Hurray, hurray, absolutely! Hurray"! notices that he's the only one speaking and standing, sits back down.

"Eh, Sarge my boy who that" the King ask

"No idea, My Lord. I'll ask my my Kiss-up slash son" he then turn his head to the man wearing marooned Spartan armor "Simmons, who is that?

Simmons sighed he was starting to get bored answering this question "It is your other son."

"It is my other son." Sarge said

The King blinked a bit surprise "Really so will he appear in the fight?"

"Hold on, I'll ask my lord… quick Simmons what's his name?

Simmons with his mouth full said "Voltar"

Sarge turns and yells across the room to Voltar "Valerie, are you going to fight with us on the morrow? "

"Er, oh goodness, no! No, I thought I'd fight with the enemy!" Voltar said trying to start a joke no one laughed.

The King turn to Sarge and said "You're, er, not putting him anywhere near me, are you?

"Nah. He'll be somewhere amongst the rabble." Sarge said with a chuckle

The King looks puzzled before he says with a smile "Oh! Bullet fodder!

"Precisely."

"Yes..." the King chuckles, waves to Voltar, grinning, muttering between his teeth "What a little worm."

We turn our eyes to Voltar's end of the table

Voltar turn to a guy wearing a Green Jumpsuit had Orange Hair domino mask and brown gloves said "Ah, Red Menace, you see how the king picks me out, out of all these jerks?

"Sorry Voltar I mean my lord, I was to busy reading this new Nimrod comic, It's the latest Issue." Red said happily.

Before Voltar could get angry a servant pokes his head in, he looked like a mad scientest, he had blue hair that looked shocked, a Blue lab coat, Mechanical goggles and he had metal hands with three fingers, refilling their goblets, and he said "I saw it, My Lord."

Voltar glad someone saw said "Ah, and what is your name, my mad scientist looking friend?"

"My name is Doktor Frogg, My Lord." Frogg said

"Ah. Then I shall call you...`Frogg'!"

"...and I shall call you `My Lord', My Lord." Frogg said

"Hmmm... I like your style Frogg! How would you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow?" Voltar said

Frogg instantly kneeled

Red Menace, trying to show off in front of Frogg said "It will be a great day tomorrow for WE nobles.

"Well, not if we lose, Red." Voltar said "If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my Private stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland."

"With you at the helm, My Lord, we cannot lose." Frogg said simmons hearing cause of his robotic enhancements sneered muttering "That jerk calls that kissing up, I could do better in my sleep"

Red Menace still trying to show off "Well, we could if we wanted to!"

"But we won't, Red, and I shall prove to all that I am a man!" Voltar said excitedly

"But you **are** a man if you exclude, you're size, My Lord." Red said

"But how shall it be proved, Red...?" Voltar asked

"Well, they could look up that tree in Rutland." Red menace said which got him a bop on the head by Voltar

"It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing like little girls in terror!" Voltar said

"Hurray!" both Frogg and Red Menace said

"Come, a toast. Let all those who go to don armour to-morrow remember to `go' before they don armour to-morrow!" Voltar said as they clink goblets "Already I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears..."

Cut to just before the battle, outside. The following lines are spoken to the army

"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more! Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree!" the king said which got him a large cheer.

"Let blood -- Blood -- BLOOD! -- be your motto! Slit their throats! And blast there bloody brains out." Sarge said with a sadistic voice which also got him a cheer

"Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be a certain amount of, well, violence. But at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we?" Simmons said he only got light clapping

"And people in London still in bed shall be ridiculed but will sing at what we do today on St Ralph the Liar day!" the king said which got a large cheers

Our view comes down from the sky, to see the castle. Inside Edmund's room sleeping. Till someone knocked on the door

Suddenly a women wearing yellow spartan armor appeared and said "hey kid who I had in this parody."

"Hmm? Oh, Mother, what do you want?" Voltar said

"Umm" Sister trying to remember snapped her fingers "Oh yeah you told me you wanted me to wake you up for the battle!"

Voltar eyes bugged out (surprise he made a tactical error by asking Sister to wake him up) and he immediately removes a cover from a sundial, and looks at it "Oh my God, it's eleven o'clock! I;m late for the battle!"

Sister smiling unconcernedly, shakes her head, closes the door and said "Ha that teach him to ignore me for 12 times


	2. Foretelling pt2

heres the next chap and let me tell you its probably the longest chap that i did.

We now see long sun-rise. On it we see a silhouette of Voltar on horseback. Following him at a distance is Frogg on a mule.

"My Lord..." Frogg said in a curious tone

"What is it?" Voltar snapped

"Where is this battle being held?" Frogg asked

"Oh, somewhere called Bosworth Field..." Voltar said

They have ridden off to the right of the shot. Suddenly, we see Frogg going the other way, followed by Voltar.

"Dang, dang, dang! The first decent battle since I reached puberty..." Voltar grumbled

We see them close up, riding together, up a rise leading to a valley. "Here we are, My Lord... " Frogg said

"Excellent. Onward, Frogg! To glory!" Voltar said in a excited tone

Over the top of the rise we can now see banners clashing, sword clashing heck everything clashing together. Voltar stops his horse at the top.

"Yes, erm, I'm not so sure we're needed, you know, Frogg..." Voltar said suddenly a bit scared "I mean, everything seems to be going very well, doesn't it? Everyone's fighting -- clearly having the time of their lives. Wait a moment; some of them over there aren't fighting! They're... they're just lying down!"

"They're dead, My Lord." Frogg said

"Really?" Voltar said

"Well when you see the large slash or holes in people and Vulture start surrounding the body it's a pretty safe estimation." Frogg said

"Ah." Voltar said he wiggles in his seat "Dang, I knew I'd forgotten something. Would you excuse me a moment, Frogg?" he then rode his horse somewhere else

Just away from the battle, Richard was walking on the field till Sarge drives near him on his Moongoose with a soldier riding Shotgun.

"Your Majesty, you've lost your steed! Quick hop on!"

"What about me?" the soldier said

"You walk, you look like you need the exercise" Sarge said

"No, no, I've won the battle, I've saved the kingdom. I think I can find myself my own transport!" the king said

"How true, My Noble Lord. I'll see you back at the castle!" Sarge said with the soldier sighing in relief as he doesn't need to walk, they drove off.

"Now then" the King said he then whistled "A horse! A Horse, My kingdom for a horse! He stops as he sees a horse (More specifically Voltar's horse) tied to a tree. "Ah, Horsey! He approaches the horse. Voltar, doing business behind a nearby bush, sees.

Voltar mumbled "What is this?" not recognizing the king in his armor

As King Richards bends over to untie the horse from the tree, not knowing Voltar behind him.

Voltar while drawing his sword said "Wait! That's my horse!" He then jumped and swings his sword, loping the King's head clean off. He's rather surprised at his strength but quickly gets a cocky feeling, and laughs a bit, He picks up the helmeted head "You won't be doing **that** again, Eh punk?" Voltar said cockily as he lifts the helmet's face shield, then lowers it in shock

"Oh my God, it's Uncle Richard." Voltar said in a scared whispered he then screams. Doktor Frogg runs up, having just parked his mule by the tree.

What's that, My Lord?" Frogg asked

"EHH?" Voltar said Frightened as he tosses the head to Frogg.

Frogg catches the head with a chuckle, but stops when he lifts the face shield, "Oh crud it's the king" Frogg said in a monotone. He then turn and half-shouted "What are you going to do?"

"Well, quick, quick..." Voltar said.

Voltar turns the body over, takes the head back and tries to put it back, asking Frogg to hold it in place. He moves the corpse's arms about, and beats on its chest.

Frogg sighed seeing this "I know he's desperate but it sorta pathetic to watch." He then spotted something in the distance.

"My Lord! That hut there!" Frogg said pointing forward.

"Good idea" Voltar said, both he and Frogg each grab a leg and drag the body away.

They enter a small cottage. Frogg is solely dragging the body now. Voltar enters afterward, carrying one small item, a gauntlet.

"Come on! Come on! Pull your weight! Pull your weight!" Voltar yelled.

Frogg after carrying the body in collapses exhausted. Voltar immediately closed the door and said Ah, well done..." He sits on a barrel. They then noticed that something very crucial is missing. "Where's the head!?" Voltar yelled

"I thought you had it!" Frogg said

"Frogg, I can't be expected to carry everything!" Voltar exclaimed

They then hear someone approaching. Voltar cowered behind Frogg, who was preparing to strike down the intruder with a small tree bough used as a club. The door opens, and Red Menace enters.

"Red, you brainless son of Siberians! Where have you been?" Voltar said angrily

"I've just proved that I'm a man! Look what I've found! He pulls out the head

"Oh, thank God. Quick, Red, quick, put it other there and let's get out of here!" Voltar said

Red suddenly hold the head protectively and said "No no no no! I found it, it's mine!"

"What, what do you mean it's yours?" Voltar said as he tries to take it from Red.

"I'm going to use it to prove that I killed a nobleman!" Red said happily

Volar stops trying to take the head said "And which nobleman, pray...?"

"Er... [Red looks under the face shield, laughs, then holds the head proudly] Well, it's the king, actually!"

Voltar stares at him quite intently waiting for Red to finally piece it together.

Red Suddenly realize the circumstance gulps and frighten tosses the head to Voltar who tosses the head to Frogg. Frogg tosses the head in the barrel.

"Right now that over lets WAUGH!" Voltar yelled, a bloodied, armoured man staggers in just as our three were about to leave.

"Lost! Lost! All is lost!" He said as he collapses to the floor.

"What!?"

"Flee! Flee!"

"Oh my god! Quick -- let's get out of here!

"Take me with you!" the man cried as he grabs one of Voltar arms.

"Get your hands off!" Voltar yelled as Red feebly helps in this process

"If you leave me alone here, I'll die." The man said

"If you don't leave **me** alone, I'll kill you myself!" Voltar snarled, Frogg bops the man on the head with his club. The man falls to one side.

"Now leave him here, come on!" Voltar said as he, Frogg and Red make their way out.

"I'll give you money! Ten thousand sovereigns!" the man said pitifully After a moment, the man collapses to the floor. The door opens, and Red's head pokes in...

_Brief timelapse later_

We see Frogg and BVoltar entering the great hall in the castle. Frogg keeps running, but Voltar stops as he meets his mother.

"Mother!"

Sister turned her head and said "Oh hey, How did it go?

"Within seconds, Darkstar will be here at our gates!" Voltar yelled

"Oh, but, I'm not ready -- I haven't had a bath or anything." Sister complained

"Mother, Darkstar is our enemy. When his men get here, they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle!"

"Really cool, I was tired of doing it with Sarge" sister said making Voltar slap his head.

Frogg runs into the doorway across the hall, and screams "My Lord!"

"What do you want?" Voltar said

"Listen!" Frogg yelled

An army's drums can be heard faintly in the distance.

"Oh my God! They're here already!" Voltar yelled. He begins to run down the hall, shouting like a maniac "Run for your lives! Run for the hills!"

"Er, my Lord, they're coming from the hills." Frogg pointed out

Voltar still shouting like a madman, "Oh, sorry. Run **away** from the hills! Run away from the hills! If you see the hills, run the other way! "

Red walks in and said"Its okay guys -- they're flying the banners of our King."

"Well, that's impossible; he's dead, isn't he!" Voltar snapped.

"King Richard is dead?" Sister said shock

"Yes... Errr, God knows how..." Voltar said suddenly not so frantic

"Aww that suck, I wanted to show him my nacked turtle juggling" Sister said sadly

"Yeah… Wait what?" Frogg said missing the last bits

Voltar ignoring the two said "Those flags, Red, are obviously just a cunning trick to deceive us into staying!"

"No, My Lord, I don't think it is a cunning trick." Frogg said seeing the approaching group more clearly

"Well, no, it's not a particularly cunning trick, because we **could** be seeing through it! [He locks the main entrance to the great hall.] But obviously they thought it was cunning when they thought it up." Voltar said

"No, My Lord. I don't think it's a trick at all." Frogg said

"You don't think that riding up to a castle under someone else's banner is a trick? Well, no, I suppose it isn't! Voltar said the last bit sarcastically

The main door was suddenly being shot to pieces. Voltar screams and goes hiding in a dresser. The main door has been broken down and the remains look bullet hole ridden as Sarge and other soldiers step through

Red menace (He and Frogg remain in the great hall.) said "It's only your father."

"Alright, who's the Dirtbag that locked that bloody door?" Sarge said

"Sarge, it's you!" Sister said shocked

"Well, who did you expect it to be, woman?

"Why, I thought it would be Darkie." Sister said forgetting The last bit of Darkstar name

"Darkie? Have you lost even more of your marbles?" Sarge said/confused

"So you won?"

"Yes, of course! **We** won! We won! Victory!" Sarge yelled happily. General cheers from his entourage.

"So, I suppose now **you** want to ravish me..." Sister said boredly

Sarge shocked said "Yes, yes, in a moment..." He turns to one of his entourage. "The woman's insatiable!

Sarge shouts. "Three cheers for good King Richard! Hup hup! ["Huzzah!"] Hup hup! ["Huzzah!"] Hup hup! ["Huzzah!"]

Voltar leaving the dresser said weakly "Huzzah..."

"Now all that's left is for the King to be here to be here!" Sarge said

"Yeah, too bad he's dead." Sister said.

Sarge stood still and said in a shocked whisper "What? Who told you that?"

"Well, Voltar." Sister pointing to where Voltar is direction

Sarge and his group turn to face Voltar."Is this true?" Sarge snarled

quite intimidated, as well as fearing for his life Voltar said "Errr, well, I wouldn't know, really. I was...nowhere near him at the time. I... I just...heard from someone that he'd, er... er... I mean, I don't even know where he was killed. I was completely on the opposite side of the field. I was nowhere near the cottage."

Everyone (minus Frogg and Red) questions that last statement, with stares.

" ...not that it was a cottage -- it was a river. But, then, I wouldn't know, of course, because I wasn't there. But, apparently, some fool cut his head off...or at least killed him in some way...perhaps...took an ear off or something. Yes, yes, in fact, I think he was only wounded! er, or was that somebody else? Yes, I think it was. Why, he wasn't even wounded!" Voltar said

Suddenly Simmon is staggering from behind Voltar, carrying a headless corpse, and the crown.

Voltar not noticing Simmon continue "Why, did someone say he was dead?"

"Yes!" Simmon said

"What!" Sarge said

"It's true, My Lord! I stumbled on his body myself! O, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth!" simmon cried, he places the body on the floor.

"Er, yeah..." Sarge said

"Good night, sweet King..."

"Yes, yes, that's enough of that, thank you, Simmons..." Sarge said getting annoyed by simmons overdramatics

"...and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest..."

"Thank you, Simmons..." Sarge said but when Simmon refuses to stop, Sarge angrily scream "Will you stop that! God, there a line between mourning and being a drama queen, Simmons!"

"Sorry sir" Simmon said

"S'alright, besides…" Sarge tone takes a angry whisper "...we all know who did this dreadful deed -- [he looks at Voltar] don't we?"

Voltar slowly, sadly nods, as a sort of confession, and closes his eyes, preparing to have his head cut off.

"It was that worm Darkstar!" Sarge snarled. Voltars's nod increases in speed, he opens his eyes and grins.

"Yes! and he still roams free! [He shouts quite loudly.] Simmons, call for silence!"

"Silence!" Simmon said

"We were already silent." One said

"Humor me." Simmons said he then slowly lowers the crown onto Sarge's head. "...for the king!" Everyone, including Simmons, kneels or bows before Sarge.

Everyone but Sarge then said "Long live King Sarge!"

Sarge: This day has been as 'twere  
A mighty stew  
In which the beef of victory  
Was mix'd With the vile turnip  
Of sweet Richard slain  
And the grisly dumpling  
Of his killer fled.  
But we must eat  
The yellow wobbly parts  
the Good Lord serves.  
In life, each man gets  
What he deserves!

"That was beautiful" Red sniffed but Frog rolled his eyes muttering "It sounded as if he was describing his food".

Sarge then looks around at the kneeled assembly.

Sarge then said nonchalantly "Well, come on... let's go and kill some more stranglers." His original entourage stands up excitedly.

Sarge then started the Hup hup! ["Huzzah!"] Hup hup! ["Huzzah!"] Hup hup! ["Huzzah!"] Voltar, Red and Frogg snuck away to head back Voltar room.


	3. Foretelling pt3

Voltar, Doktor Frogg and Red Menace enter Voltar room, dejectedly. Once they're in and the door closes, Voltar slowly turns and begins to grin.

"Yes! We're safe! and I am a prince of the realm! Hup hup!" [Frogg says "Huzzah!" first, as Red forgets the word.] Can you imagine the power... I finally have the Authority to ban Squirrels!" Voltar said Happily.

"and it's ours! all ours!" Red said

"What?" Voltar snapped

"**Yours!** all yours! That what he said" Frogg said

"Oh that's alright then" Voltar said.

Simmons opens the door. "Don't you knock" Frogg said

Simmon ignored Frogg and said "Ah, Voltar, there you are. Now, I know it's a little early, but I'd just like to get these battle averages sorted out. Now then, who did you kill to-day? "

"Erm... no-one." Voltar said a bit frightened for obvious reasons

"No-one? Right, er, I'll put you down for a duck, then, which, I'm afraid, takes you out of the running for the Legion of Honour." Simmons said.

Voltar hearing this immediately said "Oh, I see, sorry! Sorry, I thought you meant had I killed King Richard!"

"What?" Simmons said making Voltar squeek in fear for fearing he screwed up but sighed as Simmon said "No really what you say, I sorta drifted out there"

"I said...was the question?"

"Who did you kill to-day? Simmons reiterated

"Oh, I see. Er, right, er, let's see here... Erm..." Voltar said trying to think.

Frogg, opposite of Simmons from Voltar, mouths `Peasants!'

"Pendant." Voltar said

"Wha…" Simmons said confused

"Pleasant... Pdnt... P... Pzz..." Voltar said trying to read what Frogg saying and ignoring the WTF look being given to him by Simmons.

Frogg continues to mouth the word and Voltar finally manage to say (much to his great relief) "Peasants! Peasants! There were a lot of peasants! Er, but they don't really count, do they?" Voltar said

"Only in the event of a tie. Nevertheless, how many did you kill?" Simmons said

"Oh, errr..." Voltar said now having to think of a number

Frogg lifts four fingers "Four..." Voltar said, before Simmons could write it down Voltar kept saying "Hand… Handred"

Frogg looks confused till he see's Red displaying his open palm.

"Four handred... hand... Four hundred hand...fifty!" Voltar said

"Four hundred and fifty? That's three times more than myself!" Simmon shouted in jealousy

"Yeah, well, I had a couple of lucky breaks." Voltar said

"Any nobles?" Simmons said

"Ah, let me see...nobles...erm...I think..." Voltar said he then snapped his fingers and said "Kazuma (S-Cry-Ed)..."

"...who fought on **our** side, I believe. " Simmon said suspiciously

"Er, yes... I think Kazuma saw me slaying, erm..."Voltar trying to thing of someone else

Frogg turns 90 degrees, turns his head and looks out the corner of his eye, then made a effeminate pose.

"Warwick." Voltar said

"Warwick the wild of Leicester?" Simmon said

"Yes, that's him -- and pretty wild he was! He took some finishing off, I can tell you!" Voltar said

"Yeah I finish him some time myself, who else." Simmon said. Voltar gave him a weird look since that should've blown his cover "me think hes been in blood-gulch to long" Voltar muttered thinking of someone else

"Erm... erm... let me see... Just trying to put names to faces..." Voltar said

"Yes, well, this is the list of the lords as yet unaccounted for: Skullossus (League of Super Evil)...

"Oh, Skullosus, yes, he was one of mine." Voltar said

"Karl (Blood+)...

"Ah, yes, backslash..."

"Buggy the Clown (One Piece)..."

"Ah, yes, groin job..."

"Good lord! This is remarkable, Voltar! Remarkable! You bastard" Simmons mutter to himself "Oh, and the Bishop of Bath and Wells--

"Ah, yes, will never walk again!" Voltar said

"...will conduct the thanksgiving service." Simmons said as he look at Voltar suspiciously.

"Oh, Bath and **Wells**..." Voltar said chuckling nervously

Simmons gave one more suspicious glance at voltar before turning to Red. "Ah, Lord Red Menace! Voltar tells me that you managed to turn up late for the battle, so there's not much point in asking a late-sleeping dork like you that question, is there?" Simmon said as he left.

Red tries to speak, but can't think of anything. He's upset. He turns to face Voltar.

"Ha hah!!!" Voltar said excited

"Ha hah!!!" Frogg shouted

"Ha hah..." Red said a bit bitter

"At last I can relax!" Voltar said He opens the curtain to his bed, to find the dying man lying in it. He turns back to Percy and Baldrick, and speaks quietly. "Who the hell is this?"

"Ah, well, you remember that dying man we saw in the cottage?" Red Menace said excitedly

"The one I specifically told you not to bring back to the castle under any circumstances?" Voltar said

"Mm hmm, yes, that's the one, yes."

"So what is he doing in my bed?" Voltar asked

"Well, he claims to be a wealthy man. I thought, if we nurse him back to health, he may reward us." Red said

"No, wait -- I think I have an idea... If he is a wealthy man, and we nurse him back to health, he may reward us!" Voltar said excitedly

"Oh, brilliant, My Lord -- very quick thinking." Frogg said

"Thank you, Frogg." Both Voltar and Red said. Voltar eyed Red angrily before saying "Well, what would you expect? After all, who has the fastest brain in the land?"

"Prince Voltar, Duke of Edinburgh!" Frogg

"Who is the boldest horseman in the land?" Voltar said Looking at Red."

Frogg and Red (who's catching on) cheered "Prince Voltar, Duke of Edinburgh!"

"Who is the bravest swordsman in the land?" Voltar said

"Oh, don't tell me! It's that... oh... names rhymes with ruts..." Red said trying to guess

"PRINCE..." Voltar shouted

Frogg and Red shouted "Voltar, Duke of Edinburgh!

"Precisely. Or, as I shall be known from now on: The Black... Vegetable!" Voltar said sinisterly

"Erm, wouldn't something like 'The Black Adder' sound better my lord? Frogg suggested.

"No, wait -- I think I have a better idea... What about: The Black... Adder!" Voltar said as he pulled out a Black-hat with a intricately covered snake on it as he put it on.

"That it?" Frogg said

"Yes, I don't feel the need to waste the entire chapter by changing my appearance" Voltar said

Some time later we see a inner hallway. Voltar, Frogg and Red enter, laughing.

"Very witty, My Lord." Frogg said

"Ah, thank you, Frogg." Voltar said

"Very very very witty, My Lord." Red said

"Ah, thank you, Red." Voltar said loving the attention

"You're certainly wittier than your father, My Lord." Frogg said.

Before Voltar could say anything red said "...and head and shoulders over Richard III!"

An ugly silence appear as Frogg coughed a bit feeling awkward as Voltar turned to red angrily and shouted "IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE WITTY?"

"Er, no, My Lord... No, no... that... that was... an example of the sort of thing that you yourself would not stoop to..." Red said trying to apologize but Voltar just screamed "GO AWAY!"

"Yes, My Lord." Both said as they walked away.

We now see Voltar entering his room, closing the door. He hangs up his black hat, then goes to his bed, with the man in it. The man is awake, having soup.

"Ah, you're still here, are you?" Voltar said.

Man: Er, yes.

Voltar looks closely at the man. "Wait a moment -- haven't I seen you somewhere before?" Voltar said

" I don't know. I feel I've seen you before, also." The man said

"Well, I am Voltar, son of Sarge! Why, who are you?"

The man shocked to discover where he is "Well, erm, I'm, er, not important."

"Not important? You mean you're not rich?" Voltar snarled

"Yes! Yes, I'm incredibly rich! I'm...I'm a very wealthy, errm, modest person, who wishes to remain nameless." The man said knowing that saying he poor means death

"Well, you'd better be rich. Get your money together, get better, and get out of my bed, is that clear?" Voltar said as he shut the clutters, Voltar looks around, uncovers a home-made crown, puts it on and looks at himself in the mirror.

"Oh yes, very fetching." Voltar froze he recognized that voice he slowly turned around and saw the ghost of King Richard. "Hello Valerie"

Voltar did what any sane being would've done, he screamed.


	4. Foretelling pt4

Voltar finally stopped screaming, the ghost just watched the spectacled boredly and just said "Was all that screaming necessary

"Uh, uh, er, Well...er...I'm just surprised...I hadn't... expected...to see you...here and like this." Voltar said scared

"Sitting down, you mean?" the ghost asked

"Er, yes, yes, that's right... sitting down. Goodness, look! Look! You're sitting down." Why, I haven't seen you sitting down since, er...hoo..." Voltar said

"Yesterday?" the ghost suggested

"Was it only yesterday? Good lord! Erm, errr...well... How was your battle?" Voltar asked

"Fine. Somebody cut my head off at one point, but otherwise everything went swimmingly. and how are you, Valerie?" the ghost asked

"Er, Voltar." He corrected

"Sarge told me `Valerie'."

"Well yeah but..." Voltar began to say but was interrupted by the ghost who just said "So, Valerie, you weakling little maggot, how are you?"

Inside Voltar we a battle to decide whether to let his anger out or let his fear control him still, the fear won. "Er, how...how very very kind of you to ask, erm, Your Majesty... I'm very well, and, er, and it's very good to see you, because, frankly..."

"Yes?"

"Well, well, well, frankly...er"

"Frankly what? Spit it out, you horrid little scabby reptile!" the ghost snapped

"Well, frankly, everyone thought you were dead." Voltar chuckled nervously

"Well, frankly" the ghost said as his head rises from his body to be level with Voltar "I am."

Voltar eyes bugged out and he was ready to scream again till he heard knocking.

"Do come in." the ghost said

"No! Don't come in!" Voltar rushing to the door.

Sister [From outside the door] said "Why not? Have you got someone in there with you?"

"Erm, not as such..." Voltar said

"Is it a woman?"

"No!"

"Is it a man? "

"Err," Voltar said as he watches the Ghost's head fly about the room "err, yes, yes it is."

"You hesitated, it's not a sheep, is it? Cause if it is… its kinda hot" Sister said.

"No, Mother, it isn't a sheep!" Voltar said

"Well then, let me in!" sister said

Ghost (with body and head attached) said So, farewell, Valerie! You'll be seeing me later." The body walks off -- the head remains.

"Erm, have, er, have you got...transport? Erm, perhaps you'd like to borrow my horse again..." Voltar said, considering the possibility that the ghost doesn't know its slayer "or at all! I mean, not that you've borrowed it before..."

The body returns, gesturing for the head to follow. "Coming!" King Richard ghost said as he floats away.

Voltar with great relief opens the door and sisters enters.

"Are you all right?" Sister said as Voltar quickly removes and hides his crown. "You look as though you've just seen a ghost!"

"You have no idea." Voltar mumbled

"Hurry up, anyway, you're expected at the banquet!" Sister said unaware that Darkstar is listening from the bed.

"Erm, look, er, mother, er... You won't tell anyone about my oversleeping, er, this morning and, and what have you, now will you?" Voltar said

"Now, would I, Volter... Do I tell people that your brother simmons is scared silly of snakes? or that sarge has a horrible sense of history?" Sister said as she moves from the closet to the bed.

Before Voltar could stop her Darkstar beat him top it by Baaing stopping sister from checking.

"Oh, Voltar! It's the lying I find so hurtful..." Sister said

Voltar with a uneasy grin said "Baaaa..."

_Later at the banquet_

Voltar enters, and prepares to sit between his father and his brother… in Richard III's seat.

"So sorry I'm late..." Voltar said about to sit down but was stopped by Sarge grabbing his neck

"HOLD! YOU DARE SIT THERE, BOY? That was King Richard's seat! Would you insult his ghost?" Sarge snarled.

"Eugh, sorry." Voltar choked, Voltar eyes nearly bugged out when he see the Ghost appears in the chair.

"Yes, find your own chair, you smelly little tick!" the ghost said

"Eugh!" Voltar said as Sarge throws voltar back to the his normal spot and the end of table

Sarge speaking across where Ghost is, to Simmons "How many prisoners have you got, Simmons?"

"I'm not Simmons…, I'm Richard. **He's** Simmons." The Ghost said

"I've got a headshot and captured Oogie Boogie (NBC)" Simmons

"Ah, excellent send boogie to my room" Sarge said

"why?"

"Hello?" the ghost said

"Target practice, with Grif banished I need to practice my shooting" Sarge said

"Hello? Is anybody listening?" the ghost said

"Oh, I don't think you need to, the way you slaughtered Luppi (Bleach)!" Simmons said

"Hello???"

"Oh, I wish Uncle Dicky was here." Sarge said

"Don't `Dicky' me, Ducky..." the ghost king said

Sarge stands, bangs his goblet on the table thrice, and speaks "Tonight, honoured friends, we are gathered to celebrate a great victory, and to mourn a great loss." Raises his goblet "A toast, to our triumph!" Sarge said as everyone elses mimic the raising goblet and shouted "Our triumph!"

The Ghost looks quite bored, as Sarge continued "And I raise a royal curse upon the man who slew Richard!

The ghost immediately stands, and points to Voltar "It was him!"

"Oh my god!" Voltar shouted.

"Quiet down there!" Sarge shouted as he continued "Whoever it was..."

"It was him, Valerie!" the ghost said.

"Wherever he be..."

"He's down there at the end!" The ghost shouted

"He shall be struck down!"

"Well then get on with it, you stupid oaf, he's there!" the ghost annoyed said

"It wasn't me!" Voltar shouted ignoring the now obvious fact the ghost both invisible and un-hearable to everyone but him

"Who said that?" Sarge said

"The idiot who killed me this afternoon!"

"I didn't!" Voltar objected

"Well then, who did?" Sarge said

"It **was** actually Voltar who interrupted, Sire." Simmons said

"Hang the little slug!" the ghost shouted

Voltar screams and crawls under the table.

"I WILL HAVE SILENCE!" Sarge shouted as he raises goblet again "Now a toast to our dead King Richard.

"Oh my god..." the ghost said disgusted

"Gentlemen..." Sarge said as everyone raise there gauntlet and said "To the king"

Well, thank you all. Thank you very much for nothing. Thank you so much. That's the last you'll be seeing of me...not that you've seen much of me, in any case." The ghost said disgusted as he faded away.

Voltar, still on his knees on the floor, but now out from under the table, wipes his brow and sighs.

"Now that we have silence, we shall continue with the ceremony of desecration. Produce the portrait of the pretender, Darkstar!" Sarge bellowed.

A man carries the portrait down the room. People hiss and make general noises of unpleasantness. The face was horrible batches of yellow hair and drawn grayish skin, this is Darkstar (From ben ten alien-force)

Voltar recognizing the face as the man in his bed,"Oh my God!" Voltar screamed crawls out of the room on his hands and knees

Voltar ran down the inner hallway and open the door to his room, Ghost opens the door.

"Good evening." The ghost said

"I have no time for you. Where's Darkstar!" Voltar shouted as rushes to the bed.

Ghost appeared suddenly in the bed and said "Baaaa!"

"Oh no! Where is he? Where is he?" Voltar shouted he then spots in the window a horseman riding out of the castle. He runs to the door, and it is opened by Ghost. He bows to Ghost as he exits, and said "Thank you...thank you so much."

Voltar chases Darkstar out of the castle and into a foggy meadow outside. Voltar rides out of the fog, at a clearing in the woods, to find three witches bent over a cauldron. (it's the kanker sisters, just imagine them in there witch style like they were in the Ed, Edd, eddy Halloween special)

"Oooh... Oooh... Oooh... Oooh..." they chanted

Voltar clears his throat to get there attention

The Kankers have a startled "Ooh"

"Hail!"

"Hail!"

"Hail!"

"Ruler of men..." Lee shouted.

"Ravisher of women..." Marie said

"Slayer of kings!" May said

"Be gone, hideous crones!" Voltar snarled

"Be not afraid..." Lee said

"Be not overcome with fear..." May said

"Be not paralyzed with terror..." Marie asked

"The way your talking is more annoying than anything else. Anyway, why have you lured me here, you loathsome drabs?" Voltar said

"We bring good news." Lee said

"Alright I need a good laugh, whats the new?" Voltar said

"To-day has brought misfortune..." Marie said

"But one day..." Lee said

"O glorious day!" the Kanker shouted

"One day..."

"O happy day!" they chanted again

[pause]

"Yes?" Voltar asked curiously

"You shall be king!" all three said

"Really?" Voltar said excitedly

"Yes! Your Majesty!" the Kanker said as they bow

"Well, that **is** good news, isn't it? God be with you, you butt-ugly vultures! History, here I come!" Voltar shouted as he rode away.

When he was far enough away May turned to her sister said "He wasn't as I expected him." May said

"I thought he was very rude." Lee said

"I thought Darkstar would look less idiotic." Marie muttered

"Yeah and without those stupid antenna." Lee said

"like that guy who rode by just before." May suggested.

Both Lee and marie look shocked before marie slapped her head and muttered "We've done it again..."

"Stupid stupid witches..." Lee said

_thats the end of this ep next up is "__Born to be King"_


	5. Born to be king pt1

We have a look in the castle we then hear the voice again

"In 1486, the second year of Sarge historic reign, and also the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency, Sarge departed England on a Crusade against the Phantom Guild (Fairy Tail) as wed turn to outside the castle where Simmons, voltar and the court are outside as Sarge rode out in his Warthog.

"As the good Lord said, 'Love thy neighbour as thyself,' unless he's from Phantom Guild, in which case, kill the bastard! Also applies to any Grif." Sarge said

"He left behind him his beloved son Prince Simmons to rule as Regent in his stead." The narrator said as Simmons looks as though he doesn't quite remember the line about thy neighbour in those words.

"Farewell, Simmons."

"Farewell, Father." Simmons said to him, Sarge then turn to Voltar

" ...and his slimy son Voltar to do the tasks most befitting him." The narrator finish

"Vault..." Sarge said to Voltar as he rides off.

Frogg whispered to Voltar "My Lord, with the King gone..."

"Hmmm? Of course! At last, a chance for some real power!" Voltar said sinesterly as laughs in a evil-sounding way)

**Caption: Twelve months later**

Voltars is on horseback, with his sword raised in the air while wearing a snowcoat.

"Onward! I want you scum back to the castle by sundown, or you'll all be slaughtered! Onward!" Voltar yelled.

Sounds of `Maareep' are heard as Voltar speaks to a flock of Mareep, in heavy snowfall

"Come on! Come on! Keep going! I've just about had enough of you!" Voltar snarled

"Mareep!" the sheep pokemon said as They begin to run.

"Come on! No, that's not the way you're going. Stop! Where are you going? No, not away from the castle!" Voltar shouted.

"Please allow me to deal with it my lord" Frogg said with a evil grin, he then pulled out a demonic grappling hook and aimed it at a Mareep he fired it unfortunately the mareep moved and the thing he hit was a Rhyhorn.

Frogg gulped and said "Crud… not again" As the Rhyhorn immediately ran dragging a screaming Frogg away (and making him hit Several hard rocks and tree laters).

"Wow look at Frogg go" Red said as he was playing with the Mareep in the snow.

Voltar sighed at the spectacled as he muttered "What did I do in a past life to deserve this."

"Marrr!" a mareep said

"Oh, Shut up!" Voltar snapped

(we now turn our eyes to the inside of the castle we see Simmons standing by the fire, reading a note muttering "Splendid! Splendid!")

Voltar enter enters the adjacent hallway trying to push the door close

"Now look, you're not supposed to be here. That's far enough, now get out!" Voltar said to the Mareep as he shuts the door, he then begins to walk down the hallway.

"If I could get my hands on that bastard brother, Simmons..." Voltar snarled unaware that Simmons is in the next room.

"Ah, Voltar!" Simmons said, Voltar stops dead in his tracks in surprise, then continues walking, as though not hearing, behind a bit of wall.

"Voltar?" Simmons ask as Voltar reappears, in the next doorway

"Ah, there you are. Splendid news Voltar, Father's coming home! He writes here that he'll be back by St. Leonard's Day. Excellent! So we can celebrate both events together!" Simmons said

Voltar has just got to the fire, but now Simmons pulls him aside, across the room. Voltar tries to turn toward the fire, but to no avail. (He is frozen stiff.)

"Now then, I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course, er, the guards of honour, and the papal legate; and you can, er, you can sort out the frolicks." Simmons said to him

"The frolicks?" Voltar asked curiously

You know, the usual stuff. The Morris Dancers, the eunuchs, and the bearded women; you know, the traditional St. Leonard's Day entertainments. Though, I don't think I'm going to have enough time to attend to the drains." Simmons said.

Voltar prayed he wasn't going to ask what he thought Simmons was going to ask but no dice, "Voltar, you'll have to look into those as well.

Volter shivering from cold just said "Oh, er, yes, fine, fine. I'd, I'd be honoured."

"Good, you won't let me down, now, will you?" Simmons asked

"No, no, no, no. I'm, I'm really looking forward to it already. Thank you so very much." Voltar said in a false happy voice.

"Splendid!" Simmons said obviously not catching voltar tone as he leaves.

Voltar walked to the fired and mumbled to himself "Twelve months of chasing sheep and straightening the royal portraits, and now this! The bastard! The BASTARD!" Voltar yelled.

"If only he were, My Lord." Doktor Frogg said as he mysteriously appears (a bit worse for where but still fine.)

"What?!" Voltar asked.

"If only he were a bastard, My Lord, then you would be Regent now." Frogg clarified.

"Ah, yes. And then, one day...." Voltar said in a hopeful tone

"You would be King, My Lord." Red menace said as he also mysteriously appeared like Doktor Frogg.

"Ah yes, yes. I would be King! And then what?" Voltar said ignoring the fact as to how those to appear out of the blue.

Both Doktor Frogg and Red Menace puts there hands together, then moves them apart, making a large globe motion and said "You'd rule the world, My Lord!"

"Precisely! It's just not fair, you know. Every other woman in the court has bastard sons, but not my mother, oohhh no... which is practically ironic." Voltar hissed.

We turn our eyes to a hallway outside the throne room. Where Sister is speaking to Ino (Naruto)

"You must be so looking forward to the King's return, Your Majesty." Ino said

Sister (surprised at the remark) replied with a simple "No, not really."

"No, My Lady? But think: he will come to your chamber and make mad, passionate love to you!" Ino gushed.

"Yes, I wish he wouldn't do that. It's very difficult to sleep with that kind of thing going on, you know; being used all night long, and it never somewhere cool, like the nightclub." Sister mumbled

"And lets not forget, we've got the St. Leonard's Day celebrations to look forward to: the jesters, the jugglers..." Ino said

"The great brown ox steaming and smouldering all night long..." Sister said

"Oh yes: the feast!" Ino said excited

"Sorry? No, I was thinking of something else." Sister said

"I particularly hope they've got the Morris dancers -- I *love* them." Ino said

"Yes… I like the eunuchs." Sister said.

"Oh yes, the eunuchs! Ah, I wish I owned one." Ino said

"I'm at a point where i wish I'd married one." Sister mumbled.

_That's the end of the first part also I suggest you guys read Fairy-tail and Watch League of Super Evil both are quite good._


	6. Born to be king pt2

"No, no; fine, fine; it could've happened to anyone. Never mind, never mind." Voltar said to a women who looks apologetic as he shuts door "Oh, God, I don't believe it. We've only got one act, and she shaved her beard off."

"There's always the eunuchs, My Lord." Red suggested

"Yeah but that only one act Red. There must be someone else, there must be! Look..." Voltar said as they look through some papers on the desk.

"Ah, there's The Jumping Jews of Jerusalem, My Lord." Red said

"What do they do?" Voltar said curiously

"They jump," Red said as though that was a silly question.

"What?"

"They come in, My Lord, and they jump ... a lot. It's a humourous act." Red said

"Nah dah dah! There must be something else, surely! Ah, what's this? Voltar said picking a pamphlet.

"`The Death of the Pharoah': Sir Dominick Prique and His Magnificient troupe perform this tragic ancient Eygptian masterpiece.' Well, that sounds funny" Voltar said.

"No, no, no, I found that very moving, My Lord." Red said

"Well, it better be funny, or Prique will get his come-uppance, I can tell you. Now; book him." Voltar said.

"My Lord, what about Jerry Meriwether and His Four Chickens." Frogg said

"What do they do? Lay eggs?" Voltar said sarcastically

"Yes, My Lord." Frogg said

"Oh, all right, all right, we'll have them, we'll have them." Voltar said a bit desperately

There's a knock at the door. Red opens it to find the messenger holding out a note.

My Lord..." the messenger said as Red takes the note and slams the door in the messenger's face. He gives the note to Voltar, who opens it, reads it, looking more and more angry as he reads it.

"Wha-- what is it, My Lord?" Red said

"The eunuchs have canceled." Voltar said slowly and seriously

"Oh dear." Frogg said

"Ha! I should have known: never trust a eunuch!"

"What are we going to do?" red said

"Well, I know what I'm going to do. Frogg give me an execution order. I'm gonna teach them a lesson they'll never forget. I'll remove whatever extraneous parts of their bodies still remain."

Voltar makes out the order, and goes to the door. Upon opening it, he finds the messenger still waiting for his tip, holding out his hand.

"Take that to Lord Chancellor, thank you." Voltar said as he Puts the order in the messenger's hand then slams the door. "Oh God, this is desperate! Desperate!"

"We could have the Morris dancers, My Lord." Red said

"We are not *that* desperate! Morris dancing is the most stupid form entertainment ever devised by man: Forty effeminate blacksmiths waving bits of cloth they've just wiped their noses on... How it's still going on in this day and age, I'll never know." Voltar said

"Sorry, so do you want them or not? Red said confused

Voltar jumps on reds Shoulders and hits red over the head with a scrolled paper as Simmons enters.

"Ah, Voltar!" Simmons said

Voltar immediately got off and begins jumping, hitting red and himself with the paper, looking like a Morris dance. Frogg and Red join in, all of them hitting each other on the head with bits of paper. "...and rest." Voltar said

"Oh, splendid! and how are the rest of the entertainments coming along?" Simmons asked

"Erm, very very well indeed. Umm, I think it's going to have a slightly Trojan look." Voltar said

"What, Greek?" Simmons said

"Er...yes, that's right. Yes, um...Greek." Voltar said

"Oh good. Everyone turning up?" Simmons curiously said

"Oh absolutely everyone. So many people in fact, I'm afraid I've had to let the eunuchs go." Voltar said sadly

"Oh no no no no no no!"

"No?"

"No! That won't do at all -- not on St. Leonard's Day, because, well correct me if I'm wrong, Red Menace, but, er, St. Leonard himself was a eunuch." Simmons asked Red.

Voltar, behind Simmons, shakes his had `No' at Red. Red copies Voltar head movement, but knows the correct answer says "Yyyyyes, that's right."

Simmons, confused at why Red was shaking his head, turns back to Voltar, who, still shaking his head, suddenly hits himself on the head with the paper, as though he was just dancing again.

"Well, that's why I thought it might be more tactful if-" Voltar said

"Oh no no no no no no no. To leave out the eunuchs on St. Leonard's Day would be like, well, it would be like leaving out the Morris dancers, or the bearded women!" Simmons protested, Frogg Voltar and Red all pretend to laugh at the absurd thought

"Besides, The Scotsmen, the King's Supreme Commander, is expected at the feast, and, as you know, eunuchs are his particular favourite.

"Oh I see." Voltar said

"Good, good. Well, I'm relying on you, Voltar. Carry on." Simmons said

"So! Some carrot-faced, thistle-arsed Scottish orangutan wants a eunuch, does he?" Voltar said

"Apparently he's a great warrior, My Lord..." Red said

"Yes, that's what they all say, those Scots. They're just barbarians! Half of them can't even speak English." Voltar said (I sincerely apologize Ross but it was in the script)

"What do they speak?" Frogg asked

"I don't know, it's all Greek to me." Voltar said waving his hand

"They speak Greek?" Red said

"No, I mean it sounds like Greek." Voltar clarified

"Well, if sounds like Greek, it probably is Greek." Red said

"It's not Greek!" Voltar snapped

"...but it sounds like Greek. 'What's not Greek but sounds like Greek?' That's a good one, Voltar!" Red said

"Look; it's not meant to be a brainteaser, Red! I'm simple telling you that I cannot understand a blind word they're saying!"

"Well, no wonder, My Lord -- you never learned Greek, of course." Red said

"Red, have you ever wondered what your insides look like?" Voltar said calmly

"Sometimes, yes." Red admitted

"Then I'd be perfectly willing to satisfy your curiousity! Is that clear? Is it?" Voltar snapped holding a knife but then sighs.

"Oh my God, this Scotsman's beginning to annoy me already. I'm the Duke of Edinburgh, you know, and Laird of Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles. I can make things very difficult for him." Voltar said

Now for these entertainments, oh, I don't know... Frogg -- go and get yourself a nice dress a wig and beard and put them on."

"What!! I'm a mad scientist I refuse to do that." Frogg protested

"Do you want those big shrimps in the feast or not?" Voltar asked.

"Ooh the things I do for Prawns." Frogg grumbled as he leaves the room.

Red, you'd better go too and get Bernard the Bear Baiter..." Voltar said.

"Yes, My Lord." Red said as he begins to leave.

"...looks like we'll be needing him. Oh, and, Red..." Voltar began

"Yes, My Lord?"

"Tell him to bring a bear this time." Voltar said as red leaves, (he speaks the last bit to himself) The improvising last year was pathetic!"

in the dining room we see some gaurds and musicians along with Sister and Simmons sitting in the royal tablee

"Now then, "a toast to Sarge return." Simmons said happily but suddenly a fanfare plays; enter a man, on horseback wearing a white shirt a kilt a gun peg-leg and a claymore, and has red hair

"What the-" Simmons began to say but realize who it is "It's the Scotsmen!"

Scotsmen dismounts, then takes a couple bags from his horse, and approaches the table.

"Noble Simmons, Prince of Wales, Scotsmen greets you, and lays at your feet the spoils of an enemy at war."Scotsman said as he dumps the contents of a bag on the table; a severed human head

"Oh, sorry -- that's my overnight bag." Scotsmen said as he dumps the other bag on the table; gold crystal etc.) Behold! Treasures torn from the torso of the Phantom guilds member!"

"Oh, Scotsmen! It fills me with joy and hope to see you!" Simmons said as they shake hands firmly "What news of my father, the King?"

"When I last saw Sarge, he swore he would be back for the Feast of St. Leonard, or die in the attempt." Scotsmen said

"God forfend! We shall pray for his safe return. Join us! Join us! You must be starving." Simmons said

"And young Lochenbaugh?" Scotsmen asked

"Oh yes, and him too." Simmons said looking at the doorway

"Come on, Lochenbaugh!" Scotsmen said leading his his horse to the table; making Simmons and sister share a glance. He steps over the table and sits down beside Sister, where Simmons had motioned for him to sit.

"You must be the Sarge's lady, eh?" Scotsmen asked

"No… I am the Queen." Sister said

"Aye, aye. Listen; I got a message for you. My father asked me to send his regards to you."

"Do I know him?" Sister said

"Oh, I think you can say that, yes. He's Donald McAngus, Third Duke of Argyll." Scotsmen laughed.

"Oh..." Sister said shock

(There is an extremely poorly played fanfare; Voltar enters, sneering at the trumpeter)

"Ah, Voltar, there you are. McAngus, this is the man who's providing the entertainments for us tomorrow." Simmons said

"Ah, the eunuch!" Scotsmen said as he handed Voltar a coin "Here's a groat for your trouble."

"Agghh, I am not a eunuch." Voltar said in a squeky voice.

"You sound like one to me."

Voltar clears his throat and said "I am not a eunuch. I am the Duke of Edinburgh."

"Oh, you are, are you?" Scotsmen chuckled

"Yes!" Voltar hissed

"Same old story, eh? The Duke of Edinburgh's about as Scottish as the Queen of England's tits!"

Sister is enormously shocked. Scotsmen seeing this says "Sorry -- ahem, mere phrase, Your Majesty."

Voltar seeing that the Scotsmen in his seat says "you're in my chair."

"No need to apologise lad." Scotsmen said said.

Voltar is quite inflamed; he goes down to his knees (there are no chairs left).

"Well, now we've all got to know each other, I have rather a special announcement to make." Simmons said holding a large document

"Don't tell me you're a eunuch as well...!" Scotsmen said

"Scotsmen, as reward for your heroic deeds in battle, my father here empowers me to grant you anything that you may desire of me." Simmons proclaimed.

"If he's got any sense, he'll ask for a haircut." Voltar said in a sotto voce.

"My Lord, I'm honoured. All I ask for is a scrap of land. Grant me fair Selkirk, and the noble sire of Roxburgh." Scotmen said

"What?!" Voltar said standing.

"Very well. By the power invested in me—" Simmons said he was interrupted by Voltar who said "Er, excuse me... Erm, I'm sorry to dip my little fly in your ointment, but, er, those lands do, in fact, belong to me."

"Yes?" Simmons said as if to say `So?

"Well, so, perhaps, perhaps he'd like to choose somewhere else." Voltar said

"Scotsmen?"

"No, no; I'll have Roxburgh and Selkirk." Scotmen said a bit blandly

"But that leaves me with Peebles!" Voltar said

"Oh, and Peebles, thanks for reminding me." Scotmen said

"B-- b-- but..."

"Are you trying to say something, Voltar?" Simmons said

"Well, I don't know, I mean, some people might say, 'Well! What an absurd idea, giving away half of Scotland to a kilted maniac for slaughtering a couple of weakling Phantom guild members!'" Voltar said

Scotmen reaches across the table and grabs Voltar who quickly said "But I say 'Au contraire!' I say, Let's reward him."

"Good, good! So be it!" Simmons said as he and Sctosmen laugh and shake hands

Later on we turn our eyes to Voltar's quarters. Frogg is in a dress and wig/fake beard, twirling around in front of Red, who nods; Voltar enters

"I'm going kill him, and I'm going kill him now!" Voltar said

"Who, My Lord?" Red said

"That stinking Scottish weasel!" Voltar said

"Why, My Lord?" Frogg said

"Because he's a thieving stinking Scottish weasel, that's why! Voltar snarled as he goes to get a knife.

"How?"

"I'm gonna stab him!"

"Where?"

"In the Great Hall and in the bladder!" Voltar said as he begins to sharpen a knife.

"But if you do it in front of everybody, won't they suspect something?" Red said

"Ah, yes, a drawback, Yes... Perhaps we need something a little more cunning." Voltar said as he stopped sharpening his knifes

"I have a cunning plan." Frogg said

"Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning one." Voltar said

"Well, mine's pretty cunning, My Lord." Frogg said

"Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine." Voltar said

"Well, that depends how cunning you mean, My Lord.

"Alright, then, let's hear it! Let's hear what's so dang cunning!" Voltar snarled

"Right, well; first of all, you get him to come with you—" Frogg said but got interrupted

"Oh yes, very cunning. Brilliantly cunning, I ask him to come with me and then...then stab him, perhaps. How cunning can you get?" Voltar sarcastically said

"No, My Lord: you get this enormous great cannon—" Frogg began to say but got interrupted again.

"Oh, I see, I take him outside, get him to stick his head down a cannon and then blow it off. Oh, yes, Frogg, that's (Voltar stopped his rambling as he see that pamphlet about that eqyptian play)...that's a wonderful idea. No! I think I have a plan that will give us a little more 'entertainment.'" Voltar said evilly.


	7. Born to be king pt3

_heres the chap_

Voltar follows the Scotsman out to the woods. Voltar sneaks up behind, but gets caught in Scotsman's animal snare. Voltar screams like a girl as he is now hanging upside-down)

"Can I help you?" Scotsman said without looking.

"Um, no, no, I'm fine, thank you." Voltar said

" Good." Scotsman said which made a long silent pause.

Voltar cleared his throat and said "I'm not in your way over here, am I?"

"No."

"Oh, there is just, er, one thing: um...I was wondering if you could do me a little favour."

Scotsman finally stands up and turns to Voltar said "Uh huh?"

"Erm, I was wondering if you'd like to help with the celebrations tonight."

"How? By staying away, d'you mean?" Scotsman asked

Voltar chuckles a bit, then starts to scream as Scotsman raises an axe (no he not going to kill him folks) Scotsman chops Voltar's bindings, making him falls to the forest floor.

"Erm, well, the thing is: um, we were hoping to present a mystery play by one of our leading Thespianic troupes, erm, but, unfortunately, one of their number is ill, erm, and I thought you'd be the perfect person to... to take his place." Voltar said still lying there, trying to look casual.

"Well, I warn you" Scotsman began to say as he swipes down at the ground, killing a badger "I'm no actor."

"Well, there shouldn't be much acting required." Voltar said getting up as Scotsman tosses the creature's corpse aside) "Erm, it's an ancient Egyptian piece, er, called `The Death of the Scotsman'."

"I'll have a crack at it." Scotsman said throwing a knife; a creature releases a short scream before dying

"You ... you could play the Scotsman, if you like, who ... who dies at the end of the play." Voltar said making the scotman grin as he exclaimed "Oh! Acting dead! Now that I can do." Scotsman said as he walks off

"Yes, well, as I say: there...there may not be much acting required." Voltar said grinning evilly to himself, then walks off a bit proudly

"Oh, and er, mind the Sneasel pi-" before he can finish Voltar immediately fell down a pit where a lot of pissed off Sneasel immediately start mauling him

"Nevermind" Scotsman said ignoring Voltar screams of pain.

-------------

It is now night time and St lennard day entertainment began. The Jumping Jews are jumping, all at apparently different rhythms, despite the rhythmic twang of a Jew's harp. Simmon and Sister look bored. Voltar takes a bit of cloth backstage, checks that no-one is looking, then replaces the fake, sliding-blade knives for the play with real ones, which were wrapped in the cloth he was carrying.

After wrapping up the fake knives, he whispers to Red, who takes the cloth-wrapped fake knives away. Then Edmund tests the real knives by sticking one into the table, but he's unable to pull it out. He turns around, hiding the knife stuck in the table, as Prique and his troope arrive, waving their arms in the air.)

"Ah, Sir Dominick! Have you made the necessary changes?" Voltar said

"Yes, My Lord."

Voltar finally pulls out the knife, but his energy propels him into Prique. He does conceal the knife, though, just as Scotsman enters, wearing a pharoah's headdress and carrying an Egyptian cane-thing.)

Ah! McAngus! Meet your murderers." Voltar said pointing to Prique and the Troope's continue their warmup… which consist of crouching down and then ising while saying a slow `Woof!' Scotsman looks a bit baffled.

"The Jumping Jews finish their act, and get very little applause. They go backstage, where Prique is singing a `mi'. One of the troopes stops one of the Jews.

"How did it go?"

"What do you think it ended badly… God this is the worst gig I ever had, why couldn't I been in a Seth mcfarlene sketch at least he pays good when you act like a idiot" Krusty the clown grumbled as he left.

(Prique and the troope sheath their knives and begin the play.)

"with most bold intent..." Prique said

Troope: Here by the river of the graceful Nile...

"Where camels ride and deserts blow..."

"To spill the blood of this Scotsman vile..."

"What the heck a Scotsman doing in Egypt anyway?" Sister whispered to Simmons

"I'm not sure, but apparently they've had very good reviews." Simmons replied

(backstage)

Scotsman start talking to voltar and pointing to sister "You see your mother there? I met my father on my way back from France. Apparently, him and your mother used to (he bends his arm with a clenched fist) way-hey-hey!"

"Don't be absurd; such activities with old guys are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he promise not to kill Grif. Just banish him to a place where giants use anything orange color as Tennis balls." Voltar said

We cutscene where we see two giants using Grif as a tennis ball

"Ow, ow, ow, ow" Grif said as he kept being send back and forth as we end it

"Don't you believe it. I got some letters I took from home, and by God! -- they're hot stuff! I tell you: they certainly casta wee shadow of doubt over the patronage of young Simmons for a start!" Scotsman stated

"I Just said don't be absu—" Voltar stops when he realises what that would mean.

(meanwhile, on stage)

"Silence!" Prique exclaimed

"What?!" Voltar said to Scotsmen

"Listen! A bagpipe strums. Behold! This way our victim comes." one of the Troope said

(backstage)

"Oh that's my cue! I'm on!" Scotsman said getting up

"Letters? Letters? Where are these letters?" Voltar questions.

"They're safely hidden away. I'll show you them later." Scotsman said as he goes on stage.

"Oh, all right." Voltar grumbled but then shrieks as he realises that won't be possible since the actors have real knifes!

(Stage)

Troope: (...) the shadow of yonder mighty Fen Ness!"

"Tutankhamen McPerson, you come not a wait too soon; for is this not the weather fair for this, the ides of June?" Prique exclaimed, a man shook his head at how stupid this play is.

"Aye, it is. What business do you mean?" Scotsman said acting really badly.

Meanwhile backstage Voltar is desperate. He comes up behind Red and Frogg, who watch the play through peepholes, eagerly awaiting the murder

"Quick! Oh my God! The Scotsman is going to die!" Voltar said scared

"And not a moment too soon!" Red said

"Carrot-faced orangutan!" Frogg said with a evil laugh

"Death to the theiving Scots weasel!" both said.

"No, no! Look; he knows too much!" Voltar said

"That is why he must die!" Red said so dramatically both Voltar and Frogg shared a glance wondering if Red knew they were trying to kill the Scotsman for real and its not a game.

Voltar snapped back to reality and shouted "No, he musn't! He musn't! He has vital information. I've changed my mind! I've changed my mind! Oh my God! What am I going to do?"

"stop the show, My Lord." Frogg suggested

"How? How?" Voltar said desperately

"Just go up and say the knives are real and Scotsman is just about to get killed by your plot." Red stated

"Oh, you bastard!" Voltar snarled as he picks up a knife and stabs Red, but it's one of the fake knives. He then gets an idea.

Frogg (who also reached the same conclusions said) "Go on, My Lord! Quick!

Voltar hurriedly fits the cloth over his head in an Egyptian fashion, and prances on stage just as Prique and the Troopes are about to very dramatically stab Scotsman.)

"Stop!" Voltar said trying to act "Sorry I'm late." Voltar said as he stabs the Scotsman

There was a confused pause but then voltar made the gesture of push to the Scotsman

"Oh, aye!" the Scotsman said as he falls over "Auugh!"

Everyone including Simmons and Sister look extremely bored. Only the man who shook his head earlier, and one woman, applauds, very slowly, as though it's quite an effort to applaud something so awful.

----

Later in Voltar room we see the Scotsman showing the letters to Voltar, who laughing maniacally.

"Good, excellent! It's certainly my mother's handwriting. When did you say these were written?" Voltar asked

"Er, 1460."

"The year my brother was born... Frogg, get in here!" Voltar shouted

Frogg still in a dress enter just as voltar said "Get out there and tell everyone that the rest of the entertainments have been cancelled."

"Why?" Frogg said

"Why'? Because I told you to, you silly mechanical hand wierdo!" Voltar said

"No -- why have they been cancelled, My Lord?" Frogg explained

"Oh, I see. Well, tell them I have a very important announcement to make." Voltar said as he laughs again

"Does that mean I can take the dress off?" Frogg said excitedly.

"No it doesn't. Now get out, get out, get out! Out out out out!" Voltar stated

Frogg leaves grumbling profanity below his breathe, Just as the Scotsman said "Y'know, if you played your cards right, you could become King."

"Ah yes, one day." Voltar said whimsically

"Ah, sooner than you think, maybe. The last time I saw your father, he'd just charged Phantom guild hq when they shut the gates on him." The Scotsman stated

"Oh?" Voltar excitedly exclaimed

"Yes. Ten thousand member were there armed with there magic, and Sarge only had a Potato peeler." Scotsman said. Voltar can barely contain himself, covering his mouth as he giggles knowing his time has come.


	8. Born to be king pt4

At the entertainments, a man on stage shoos away his four chickens, who have just laid eggs.

"Oh god, this entertainment sucks." Simmons muttered "Yeah, but you gotta admit Bernard acts way better since he moves from imaginary bears to Teddiursa." Sister said

Voltar, Red and Scotsman walk on stage as Voltar says "Thank you, thank you."

"Look, Voltar, is this announcement going to take long? I haven't seen hide nor hair of a eunuch yet.

"Oh, don't worry, Simmons, It will soon all be over." Voltar sneered before saying "My dear mother, my dear brother, lords and ladies of the court: Today, there came into my possession, from the hands, My Lord, of your faithful servant, Dougal McAngus, certain letters -- rather extraordinary letters concerning the lineage of Prince Simmons." Voltar finished

"Letters? What letters I know nothing bout letters?" Sister said acting a bit scared.

"Letters?" Simmons said a bit worried

"Well, Simmons, they were written by your mother to your father." Simmon chuckles hearing this, no longer worrying.

"Your father, Simmons, being, of course, Donald, Third Duke of Argyll." Voltar said grinning evilly.

"WHAT!!!" Simmons said shock.

"These letters are of quite an intimate nature. Let me give you an example. (takes one from Red) "Arundel; Thursday. My dear Hairy-wairy: Often when you sit at table with my husband, probing deeply into the affairs of state, I long for the day when you will probe deeply--" Voltar said

Sister faints from shock "Relaxs folks I got this." Frogg said using some Smelling salt"

Simmons ignoring this just ask desperately "Voltar! Are you sure you know what you are saying?"

"As sure as our mother was, Simmons, when she wrote these words:" Voltar said taking another one from Red.

"Dear Big-boy: Sail south! As you know, your galleon is always assured a warm welcome in *my* harbour."

"Big-boy!? Mother, do you know anything about this?" Simmons asked hoping she said no

Sister coming to "Not my fault, sarge was bad in bed."

"Oh god that means I must leave to work as peasant." Simmons said sadly he turns to Voltar and said "Voltar, you shall be Regent until ... *your* father returns."

"The King will not be returning." Voltar making Simmons shout out "WHAT!?!"

"WOO-HOO, silver lining awesome." Sister said smiling

"No, when Scotsman last saw him, he was facing half the Phantom guild army, armed only with a small piece of cutlery. So, Red, if you'd like to start things off..."

"Sure thing Voltar" Red said happly as he clears his throat and gets on the table "The King is dead! Long live the King! (people join in) The King is dead! Long live the King!

"probably* dead." Simmons snapped

They paused a bit before saying "The King is probably dead! Long live the King! The King is probably dead! Long live the King! The King is—"

Suddenly the door was slammed as Sarge walked in with his armor cracked and bloody but very much alive and well.

"...Not dead! Long live the King!" "Everyone cheers as Red gets down from the table.

"BLOOD! DEATH! WAR! INSANE THEORY! TRIUMPH!" Sarge shouted as he tosses down his shot-gun, then he spots Scotsman. "Scottman!!! My companion in blood, and most trusted friend!" Sarge said shaking Scotsman hand

"You made it!" Scotsman laughed

"I made it, thanks to my trusty potato peeler! (runs the tiny knife across his throat as he laughs but stop as he sees Voltar standing next to the Sister

"Wait a minute!" (climbs onto the table) What's going on here?" (He points at Voltar) Who are you?" Sarge shout

"He's our son." Sister said

"What?!" Sarge shout but then he does a bit of a double-take "Oh, yes! Of course: Venus!"

Voltar looks a bit shock but shakes it off and said "My beloved father, certain letters have come to light which might change things a bit around here."

"Letters? What letters?" Sarge said

"They speak of acts of love between your wife and Donald, the Gay Dog of the Glens. (reads) "How I long to be in that kingdom between the saffron sheets where you and your ruler are the only ruler." Voltar said making sister nearly faints again.

"And then acts of love consummated, 'Oh, you enormous Scotsman, et cetera.' And these letters are dated November and December 1460," Voltar said making Simmons confused and began doing the math. "which, Simmons, in relation to your date of birth, is precisely nine months—"

"After* I was born!" Simmons said "Ha take that you treacherous little cockbite."

" oh yeah, I forgot it was before you birth, Voltar!" Scotsman said

Voltar eye twitched a bit realizing what the Scotsman said was right. Snarling and then shouted "YOU BASTARD!"

"No -- I think *you're* the bastard, Voltar." Simmons said smirking as everyone laughs

"Shut up! I want an explanation!" Sarge said annoyed

"Er, My Liege, the reason I have gathered you all here today…" Voltar said trying to think of something and then smiling evilly as he gathers the letters, and approaches Scotsman

"…Is to try to get some proper justice meeted out against this Scottish turd who has clearly forged these obviously fake letters!

"You sure, I could have Lopez Check them for authenticity." Sarge said

"No I ripped them and chucked them in the fire so no trace of there filthy lies remains" Voltar said as he doing what he says.

He then returns to Scotsman. "You come in here, fresh from slaughtering a couple of magical jerks when their backs were turned, and you think you can upset the harmony of a whole kingdom? I challenge you to a duel!"

"To the death!!!" Scotsman shouted

"Erm... yes, alright" Voltar said weakly.

"Excellent idea! After all, it is St. Leonard's Day -- there's meant to be some entertainment! Quick Simmons get the camera." Sarge said

Voltar and Scotsman go to opposite ends of the stage, Voltar clearly muttering a prayer. Sarge goes to Scotsman and rubs his lucky Potato peeler along Scotsman sword.

"It is nice to see you slaughtering again, eh, Scotsman?"

"Ahh remember when I fought that fat guy with the bandanna and turn him to a human shishkebab!" Scotsman said as he thrusts his sword straight up; he and Sarge laugh

"How could I ever forget!" Sarge laughs a bit but then shouts "Let the killing begin!"

Voltar draws his sword, and silly waves it about, trying to look like a skilled swordsman. As soon as Voltar stops moving his sword, Scotsman swings and slices the blade off.

"Red you were suppose to put the fake swords away," Frogg snapped making Red go "Whoopsie"

"Now let's see the Black Adder wriggle out of this one!" Scotsman said lifting Voltar up and putting his sword to Voltar's neck.

"Wait listen..." Voltar said making Scotsman paused

"Come on! What's the holdup?" Sarge yelled.

"Er, I'll give you everything I own! Everything!" Voltar said

"Uh huh?"

"I'm, I'm hardly a rich man."

"You're hardly a man at all!" Sarge laughed

"But, but my horse must be worth a thousand ducats. I can sell my wardrobe -- the pride of my life -- my swords, my curtains, my socks, and my trading cards. My servants I can live without, except perhaps he who massages the antenna."

"Ergh if I wanted to see pathetic begging I would bring Grif back and have him face a firing squad." Sarge muttered

"And then my most intimate treasures: my collection of Villain figurine, my wigs for state occasions, my wigs for private occasions, and my wigs -- heh -- for humorous occasions; my collection of pokers, my , my ornamental Torture kit, and, of course, my autographed miniature of Shade Blood (Ranger oc)." Voltar finished

Scotsman turns to the crowd and laughs "That's nowhere near enough!" Scotsman prepares to thrust; Voltar covers his face but then Scotsman lowers his sword.

"Och, I'm only kiddin'!" (Scotsman then mutters to Voltar) "Actually, I'm quite interested in the wigs." He then shouts "Well done, lad" He playfully hits Voltar in the arm, then walks over to Sarge, but shouts back to Voltar, who slowly is leaving

"Hey! I hope life doesn't become too dull now that you won't be able to pass laws over Scotland." Voltar nods, then turns and speaks sotto voce "I wouldn't pass water over Scotland."

----

It was the day after st Leonard, and we see Sarge looking out the window as Simmons enter.

"We're all terribly pleased you're back, Father." Simmons said

"Well I'm not. I miss the smell of blood in my nostrils, saying cool quotes after you killed someone and worse of all the Queen's "got a headache so that means no sex for me." Sarge grumble

"Okay… But we do have a fascinating week ahead. In fact, Donut has asked me if you'd care to join his formation Italian dance class, and I really ought to give him an answer." Simmons asked

"Do you want me to be honest or tactful?" Sarge asked

"Er, tactful, I think." Simmons said

"Tell him to shoot himself!" Sarge

"Ah, right." Simmons said

"Has the little hooligan Scotsman left?" Sarge asked

"No, Voltar's giving him a last look round the castle now." Simmons said

(cut to outside, at the top of the castle. Voltar shows Scotsman the view from an archer's gap, then turns away)

" ...while this... (Voltar shows Scotsman a cannon)

(Back inside)

"Well, I'll be sorry to see him go." Sarge said sadly

(back on the roof)

Scotsman has his head down the mouth of the cannon says "Ah, very interesting." Voltar moves to behind the cannon grabbing a match.

(Back inside)

"Yes, and so will Voltar, they've become firm friends." Simmons said just as a very loud sound is heard from outside)

"What the hell?!" Simmons shout

"New Enemies!" Sarge said happy

"The drains!" Simmons said horrified

Voltar runs in and shouts "Father! Simmons! There's been rather a messy accident. You must come quickly!"

"Oh my God! I need my plunger!" Simmons shouted as he rushes out, followed by Sarge. When he sure there gone Voltar jumps up in joy

And that's the end of that arc (sorry for the wait) next we see Voltar become the Archbishop.


	9. The Archbishop pt1

England, November, 1487. The battle between the Church and the Crown continues to rage and the Duke of Winchester, the greatest landowner in England, is dying. The narrator finish as the scenes turn to room inside a church wheres we see saidDuke lying in bed.

The Archbishop Lovejoy (From the Simpson) is on one side of him and Sarge is on the other, there are others in the room, watching on.)

"my lords, am I dying?" the duke asked weakly

"Never!" Both Lovejoy and Sarge said. but quickly change as the Duke start coughing violently with Lovejoy asked "And yet, my son, to pass away the idle hours until your recovery let us imagine you yourself were to pass away, to whom would you leave your lands?"

He looks at both the Archbishop and the King as they pull out wills for him to sign.

"Why, to me, of course." Sarge said as he pushes his will closer to the Duke.

"Yes, to my beloved king." The duke said as he holds a pen and goes to sign the will.

Lovejoy looks desperate as he said "I hope then your filthy soul is prepared for hell, my son."

"Hell?" The duke said as he stop before the pen hits the parchment

"Yes, hell, where Satan belches fire and enormous devils break wind 24/7, where your mind is never free from the torments of remorse and your bottom never free from the pricking of little forks." Lovejoy said sadly

Duke: No, spare me the little forks!

"What is this hogwash?" Sarge snapped trying to difuse the situation as the Duke puts his hands out towards the Archbishops will.

"Alas! Forgive me, noble sir, I will change my will and leave my lands to the Church!" The Duke said as he signs the Archbishops will.

"What!?" Sarge said shocked

"Blessed be thy stainless soul." Lovejoy said as rolled up the will and put it in his pocket

"You will change your mind later, I know it." Sarge said desperately touching the duke… who suddeny went "AUGH!" and falls down dead.

"I think not." Lovejoy said smirking. Sarge is shaking furiously as he looks around and spots a soldier wearing a Turkish helmet.

(Scene change to the The Great Hall as Voltar and Red Menace are talking by a large window. Doktor frogg suddenly enters the room

"Ah, Frogg, what news?" Voltar asked

"Well, my lord, an informed source tells me that Narcissa malfoy (Harry potter) has given birth to twin goblins." Frogg said

"No, no, no. About the Duke of Winchester." Voltar said impatiently

"Oh, he's still hanging on." Frogg said boredly

"He must be on his last legs by now, my lord." Red said

"Tssk, how many sets of legs has the man got? Really, I wish he's make up his mind, either he dies, or he lives forever. It's this shilly-shallying that's so undignified." Voltor said pissed off.

A fairy god-parent by the name Cosmo flew in and says "My lord, I come with tragic news."

"What, died at last, has he?" Voltar said

"Who, my lord?" Cosmo said confused

"Oh I see. Now the idea is that you ask me what the message is before you tell it to me. Quite brilliant, I must say. I was referring to the Duke of Winchester." Voltar snapped

"I have no idea what your talking bout, my lord?" Cosmo said making Voltar look ready to strangle him/

"Hold on Voltar let me try" Frogg said walking forward "Someone has died, yes?"

"Yes" Cosmo said

"Who is it that has died?" Frogg inquired

"The Archbishop of Canterbury." Cosmo said

"Are you a Nitwit?"

"How you guess." Cosmo said with a bit of pride

Voltar suddenly shot up and said "Wait, did you say the Archbishop of Canterbury died?"

As Cosmo nods Voltar just sighs and said "Oh no, the King has done it again! That's the third this year.

How did this one die?"

"Horribly, my lord." Cosmo said

"Any details?"

"Ah, no, horribly was all I was given." Cosmo said

"Ah! Voltar said as Simmons enters the room.

"My lord, I come with tragic news…" Cosmo began to say

"I've heard it, will you go away!" Simmons snapped making the god parent flew away. "Voltar, the Archbishop Lovejoy has met with a most tragic accident and there seems to be some confusion but I think I've fathomed out how it came about.

"Yes, I think I've got a pretty shrewd idea myself." Voltor muttered

"Apparently, Archbishop Lovejoy has just come out of the Duke of Winchester's room…" Simmons began

"Who had just died leaving all his lands to the Church?" Voltor said boredly

"Well, as a matter of fact yes." Simmons said

"And so Sarge was really out for his blood presumably." Voltor said

"I dare say. Anyway the point is at that moment Sir Saix"

"The king's hired killer?"

"No, no. Saix, that tall, Nobody with the sword and draws his power from the moon."

"Yeah, that's him." Voltar said

"Well, he came round the corner, saw the archbishop, rushed towards him with his head bowed in order to receive his blessing…and unfortunately killed him stone dead." Simmons said

"How?

"Saix was wearing a Turkish helmet." Simmons said making Voltar face go ohh as he say "you mean the kind with a two foot spike coming out of the top?"

"Yes, the ones they normally use for butting their enemies in the stomach and (both he and voltor said the last bit) killing them stone dead."

"So presumably he had forgotten he was wearing it?" Voltor said

"Yes, that's right. A tragic accident." Simmons said sadly

"Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle whilst swimming off Destiny island." Voltor said

"Yes, or Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backwards on to the spire of Norwich Cathedral. The lord works in mysterious ways, I just don't know how I'm going to break it to that Flanders guy." Simmons said leaving the room

The only person who looks concerned about these stories is Red menace who said. "What tragic accidents."

"Yeah accidents." Voltar said to himself.

--------------

That night, Voltar, Frogg and Red sit in one of empty rooms of the castle around a lit fireplace

"Who do you think will take over Voltor?" Red said

"Oh, it will be one of those bishop fellows, I should imagine. They tend to go for religious types." Voltor said bored

"Yes, rumor has it , my lord, that the king wants to choose Prince Simmons." Frogg said

"Oh, really." Voltar said not really listening

"Prince Simmons, Archbishop, my lord." Frogg said trying to drive the point home

"Good lord! Prince Simmons, Archbishop, and we all know what happens to Archbishops, don't we?" Voltor said excitedly

"Yes, they go to Canterbury." Red said

"No, you fool, I mean…" Voltar said raising his hand to his throat and makes a gesture of slitting a throat.

"Oh, right!" Red said making the same gesture, they all burst into laughter.

"Are you sure about your source, Frogg?"

"Yeah, it was Noine (Gundam wing). You know: she was the one who told me about the Duchess of Kent and the chocolate chastity belt." Frogg said

"Oh yes! She's quite reliable!" Voltar said grinning evilly "Well! With Simmons gone (all three do throat-cutting fingers; Voltar stands, they do too), The Blackadder will be..."

"King! ... next." Frogg and Red said

"Tomorrow could be one of the most important days of my life. I want my most splendid garments for the ceremony." Voltar said.

"Certainly, my lord. Hat, my lord?" Frogg said

"The Trojan, I think."

"Boots, my lord?"

"The Italian."

" And codpiece, my lord?"

"Let's go for the Black Russian, shall we? It always terrifies the clergy." Voltor said as all three laugh again.

Its now the day of choosing the new archbishop. - The Great hall is filled with people, they are lined on both sides of the room, there is a path cleared up the middle which leads to the thrones. Everyone is waiting for the announcement of the new Archbishop. Edmund is in the front row of the crowd on one side, he is dressed all in black, he has a helmet on and it has feathers in it. A chain runs from the long toes of his boots to his knees, and he had a very large, pointed codpiece on.

"Any further rumors, Frogg? " Voltar said

"Not really, my lord. Apparently Tachibana (S-cry-Ed) is keeping a sheep in his bedroom, but nothing on the appointment, no." Frogg said shrugging his shoulders

Just then Sister approaches Voltor, and asked "Why are you dressed like this, Voltor?"

"Like what?" Voltor said.

"Like something Quagmire threw-up" Sister said making Red and Frogg snicker but a quick glare from Voltor shuts them up Just as Sarge walks in

"Members of the court and clergy, I have, at last, after careful consultation with the Lord God, his son Jesus Christ and his insubstantial friend, the Holy Ghost, decided upon the next Archbishop. May he lasts longer in his post than his predecessors." Sarge said

"Fat Chance." Voltor mumbled.

"I appoint to the Holy Seal of Canterbury my own son…"

Trumpeting is heard, Red and Frogg are very excited; Edmund points a bit toward Harry.

"Victor, Duke of Edinburgh." Sarge said pointing to Voltor

Voltar face goes to shock as his pointing hand fell down to the side as he let out a strangled "Agh!"

"Archbishop, we salute thee." Sarge said as the crowd kneels. Red goes to shake Voltors hand.

"Congratulations, my lord" Red said only getting a glare as Voltor tries desperately to find something to cover his codpiece, in the end he grabs a nearby bishops hat.

(Scene change to a now empty Great Hall as Simmons and the Sarge are arm wrestling over a stool.

"Keep going, keep going. Use both hands!" Sarge said as Simmons does so "Very good,

"very good..." Sarge then kicks simmons in the shin and use the distraction to win. "Though you should remember, not to take hints from your enemies, heh heh heh." Sarge said

(there is a knock at the door)

"Enter!" Sarge shout

Voltar enters, as he starts bowing repeatedly,

"Your Majesty."

Ah! Archbishop." Sarge said

"Um, there were just a couple of points, um, about my appointment, um, before things really stick in." Voltar said

"Yes?"

"Um, personally, could I—"

"No, you couldn't!!!" Sarge said

"Oh, fine." Voltor said as he backs up several paces "And, er, secondly—"

"Don't be mistaken about this appointment, Vile. I've always despised you." Sarge said

"Well, you are my father, of course. I mean, you're supposed to be biased." Voltar said

"So now, my boys, when I've at last found a use for you, don't try to get out of it! Or I send you to where Grif is, those giants also love to use anything red to play ball." Sarge snapped

"No no no no no! No, certainly not. I just thought that perhaps another man, um, equally weak-willed and feeble, might do just as well." Voltor tried to reason

"There's no such man!" Sarge snarled

"Oh, no, no, of course not. Oh silly me. Er, er, I thought, though, perhaps, you know, someone who believed in God...

"No no no no no no. If I needed someone who believed in God, I'd have chosen Simmons! Not an embarrassing little weed like you." Sarge said

"Oh, well, I think that's everything cleared up. Goodness, it must be almost time for evensong. Must be going." Voltor said turning around and walking away

"Veggie..." Sarge said with low tone. Voltar tries to pretend not to hear.

"Come here..." Sarge said

Voltar slowly continues his turn, to come to Sarge. He bows repeatedly, and begins to kiss Sarge's hand, which grabs him and pulls him up.

"A word of advice: if you cross me now, or ever, I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites." Sarge said snarling the last bit as he lets go.

"I understand… well I shall make myself available for all eventualities. Thank you so much." Voltar said as he steps backward, bowing repeatedly, and bumps into a set of drawers. Then he adjusts his movements so he backs out into an open hallway.

Sarge turns to Simmons and said "Well I believe I got my point across."

"Most definitely sir, you really sold it to him." Simmons said.

We see Voltar resting his head against the wall of the corridor, he is really scared as he mouths the words "Flee!"


	10. The Archbishop pt2

_heres the 2nd chap_

Outside, we see Voltar is getting ready for his escape. He stands at the back of a large cart filled with all his stuff.

"Let see, we've got the thumbscrews, the footcrusher, the nosehooks, those long rods you (Volter moves his fist as though he's holding a rod vertically) ram around, er... Oh! Where's Doktor Frogg?""

"HRMM HM HRMRMRMRM!" Frogg said, he was trapped underneath of all the junk on the cart with only his legs sticking out

"Oh, there you are." Voltar said patting Frogg leg instead of helping him out "Right, let's go, come on!" Voltar said only to squeak in fear when he See's Sarge and simmons walking out side and spotting him

"Archbishop!" Sarge said

"Hail..." Volter said weakly waving his hand

"Going somewhere?"

"Umm, yes...

"Where?" Sarge asked a bit darkly

" C-- Canterbury...?" Voltar finish lamely

"Good, good! Simmons here will accompany you. I would hate to see you murdered *before* your investiture. " Sarge says as he leaves.

Red comes from around the cart and asked "My Lord, if we're going to catch the boat to France, you'll have to hurry."

"Boat to France?" Simmons asked curiously

"Um, you off to France, Red?" Voltar asked

"I thought we all were." Red said confused

"No, no, uh, Simmons and I are off to Canterbury, aren't we, Simmons?" Voltar said with him heavily saying simmons name as if to drive a point

Red look at Simmon and said "Oh, I see -- you've changed your plan."

"No, The only change is if you could go and put your face in some manure, and the keep a reasonable distance." Voltar said

(Later, Simmons and Voltar are riding on the horses.)

"Hey Voltar, have you wonder why were here?" Simmons asked

"For the last time, Just cause Grif fell for that trick doesn't mean I will, now SHUT UP." Voltar snapped

"Alright, geeze just try to make small talk" Simmons muttered

They ride on with the cart trailing behind, but the horses are not pulling the cart -- it is being pulled by Red Menace. Red's face is covered with manure. They pass by a pair of peasants name Lenny and Carl

"Hey; who was that?" Larry asked

"I don't know. But that tall fellow, he had a face full of manure." Carl said

" Now that's what I call style." Larry said.

"You see you saying stuff like that is why people don't want to hang out with us." Carl said annoyed.

We see Voltar at his investiture surrounded by monks with one holding a bishops hat.

" Do you, Voltar, Duke of Edinburgh, believe in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost?"

"Um…" Voltar looks around; Sarge mouths `yes!' to him) "Yes."

"I then name thee Archbishop of Canterbury and Primate of all England." The monk said placing a hat on Voltar's head)

Voltar sneezes as a result of the incense, and blows his nose into his robe. As the narrator once again talked

'His investiture over, Archbishop Voltar the Unwilling swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth. But ever the shadow of his father's threat hung over him, until, at last, one day..." the narration finish showing some time has passed.

Voltar and Frogg are walking along outside both dressed as monks. "Tell me, Brother Frogg, exactly what *did* God do to the Sodomites?" Voltar said a bit scared

"I don't know, My Lord, but I can't imagine it was worse than what 4kids does to good anime… those bastards." Frogg muttered just as a armored man delivers a scroll to Voltar.

Voltar begins reading it unleashing squeak of fear as he said "Oh my God, this is it! Frogg, go and get my Lord Bishop of Ramsgate!

"Who?" Frogg asked

"Get *Red*! Get Red!" Voltar snapped with a bit of panic as he sees the spikes on the man's helmet "My life is hanging by a thread!

We now see a room showing a yellow skinned oldman with a pointy nose, mostly bald very skinny and has a sinister look to him, his name is Montgomery Burns; only Ned Flanders, the Bishop of London , is there with Burns)

"And if I don't leave my lands to the church, then what?" Burns asked

"Then, Lord burns I hate to say it but… you will assuredly go to Hell.

"Crud" Burns muttered

"Hell, where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds!" Flanders said

"No, no!" Burns said as he begins coughing "I place my lands in the hands of the Church" he say as he begins to sign) and so bid the world farewell." Burns said closing his eyes as Sarge Barges in holding his shotgun

"What? The Archbishop not yet arrived!?" Sarge said angrily

"Not yet, and even if he did arrive--

Voltar rushes in screaming "WAIT."

"Too late!" Flander said holding the parchment

"Get out!" Voltar said rushing forward and grabbing that parchment.

"I'll kill the pair of you! If you thought Lovejoy death was nasty you ain't seen nothing! I'll destroy the Church so bad that I won't need any one-liners!" Sarge snapped pointing his shotgun.

"Augh My Lord! My Lord! Argh! I said out. Get out!" Voltar snapped. Red and Frogg push Ned into the next room

Voltar climbs on top of Graveney, and tries to restart his heart and starts shouting "Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!" he shouts in joy as Burns starts to wake up

"Am I in Paradise?" Burns said.

"No, no, not yet." Voltar said relieved that the old guy is alive.

"Then this must be Hell… right how much money will it take for you chaps not to burn my ass?" Burns asked

"No, no, you're alive, your still in England." Voltar said

"Than your not Satan? Burns said

"No, I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury." Voltar said

"Your Grace, I have left all my lands to the Church. Am I to be saved?

"No, you treacherous bag of bones! Now don't move as I kill you!" Sarge said preparing to turn both to swiss cheese.

"No! Wait! Let's just take this through in stages, shall we? Voltar said turning his head to burn "Erm, you know, the Church doesn't really need more land...

"No , what it needs is a damn good thrashing!" Sarge snapped

"But if I do not gain its blessing, I will surely go to Hell!" Burns said

Neds opens the door and pops his head in as he said "Hell, where tiny tweezers—"

"GET OUT!!" Sarge snapped annoyed as Frogg rushes over and closes the door on him.

"Someone like you go to Hell? Never. Never!!" Voltar said trying to assure him

"But I have committed many sins."

"Haven't we all, haven't we all..."

"I try to block out the sun..." Burns said

"How that work out for you?" Voltar ask curiously

"Not good, it got me shoot by a baby." Burns said

Neds opens the door again and said "Remember the church can save you from hell where they Ow!" Flander said as Frogg, having remained by the door, shuts it again right on Flanders face.

"Hurry up, Vincenzo!" Sarge said

" ...and I have committed adultery..." Burns said

"Well, who hasn't?" Voltar said

" ...more than a thousand times..." Burns gasped

"Well, it is 1487!" Voltar said

" ...with my mother." Burns finished

"WHAT!?" all four shout feeling, disgusted, revolted and just plain creeped out

"You see, I *will* go to Hell." Mr. Burns said sadly.

"Hell, where growths like the turnips sprout from your nose and ears." Flanders said appearing from another entrance

"Kill that guy!" Sarge snarled as Red and Frogg tackle Ned Flander bringing him down to the floor and then Frogg knocks him out with a cross.

"Well, well, let's take Hell: You know, Hell isn't as bad as it's cracked up to be." Voltar said a tad nervous

"What?" Burns said confused.

" No, no, no, no. No, you see, the thing about Heaven, is that Heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in Heaven, like, uh, well, singing, talking to God, watering pot plants..."

"Yuck..." Burns said sounding disgusted.

"Whereas Hell, on the other hand, is for people who like the other sorts of things: adultery, pillage, torture -- those areas." Voltar said with a grin

"Really?" Burns asked excited

"Mm! Give your lands to the Crown, and once you're dead, you'll have the time of your life!"

"Adultery? Pillage? Through all eternity?" Mr. Burns said like a kid seeing a candy-shop.

"Yep!

"But they have large sticks against your tender port-OWW!" Flander said as Frogg start bashing Flander head with the cross rather savagely.

"Mr. Burns, your decision..." Sarge said handing a quill

"Very well." Burns said signing Sarge document giving all his land to him as Voltar started shredding the paper that gives the land to the church.

"I leave my lands to the Crown, and my soul in the hands of the Lord. May He treat me like the piece of refuse that I am (rubs his hands together, grinning) and send me to Hell, yes that would be most _excellent_" Burns said the last bit darkly

"Amen. You're a very lucky man! I wish I could be coming with you, but, you know, being the Archbishop..." Voltar said

" I'm so sorry" Burns said to him.

"Oh no, that's alright."

Burn suddenly sits up, and screams "Ahh!" as he points forward, everyone looks where he pointing just as he fell back down to the bed dead.)

Voltar and Sarge begins laugh and approach each other

"My son!"

"Father!"

Both said as they hug for a brief period

Sarge broke the hug and kneels "Father,"

Voltar places his hand on King's head and said "My Son."

_Well you think it may have ended in a happy note, but trust me this ep is far from over._


	11. The Archbishop pt3

_Heres the conclusion to the Archbishop arc_

Countryside - We see Carl and Lenny beside the road again, they watch as two knights ride past splashing mud on them.

"Who's that?" Lenny ask wiping his face from the mud

"Looks like the sort of pair who'd kill the Archbishop of Canterbury to me." Carl said

"Tssk, Typical." Lenny said rolling his eyes.

-------------------

The scenes changes to the Great Hall we see Sister quietly eating, alone. We suddenly hear sword fighting from outside, the King and Prince Harry burst in Fighting. Simmons falls onto the table as Sarge pins him.

"You Blue pig! You blue dog!" Sarge snarled as he looks ready to finish him.

"Father! Father! It's me!" Simmons said scared.

"Oh yeah, It's all right, my boy, you're improving." Sarge said releasing Simmons

"Thank you Father, goodnight Mother." Simmons said as he leaves.

"He's gaining on me. He's gaining on me!" Sarge said as he goes to the other end of the long table)

"And how was Voltar?" Sister asked

"Oh, well, well, very well." Sarge said as he picks up a piece of meat, smells it, then calls out "Chef, fresh horse!" Sarge then tosses the meat over his shoulder.

"And how are his sheep?"

"… Whose sheep?" Sarge asked confused

"Voltar's sheep." Sister said just a couple of men bring in a huge platter with half a horse's body (with legs), Cooked on it.

"What sheep?" Sarge said still confused

"Well, the ones in Canterbury. His flock that he was talking about." Sister said

"Oh God." Sarge muttered feeling a headache coming up

(the knights ride up to the castle)

"I can't understand it, Voltar doesn't even like religion." Sister said confused

"That's impossible -- he's the Archbishop of Canterbury!" Sarge said taking a bite off the right horse leg

"Yes, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy, whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in a fern." Sister said annoyed

"Oh corny dogs that was a long time ago." Sarge said using a sword to pick take some bread from the table)

"It was last Thursday." Sister said

"Oh… HAHAHAHA" Sarge laughs and spits out some food.

(Scene change - The knights have made it to the castle, they burst through the main door and take their cloaks off, they start drinking.)

Sarge got up and approaches Sister with a giant cup "Well, the boy's turned out well. Now a toast, for a long and healthy life to him!" Sarge smash's his giant cup against the Queen's wine goblet, which breaks. He drinks his drink while sister tries to clean her armor from the wine)

"I thank God that in my lifetime never again shall I have to say, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest!" Sarge said returning to his seat.

(Scene change - The drunken knights are almost to the Great Hall now.)

"What the hells that?" Sister asked curiously

"Eh, its something me ancestor once said, when he was having trouble with Thomas a Becket, he was sitting at a table…like this with these two drunken knights, and yelled out…'Who will rid me of this turbulent priest!"

"What I didn't hear it?" Sister said

"God save us." Sarge muttered before looking at her "I said…"

(The knights have made it to the Great Hall and can hear what the King is saying.)

"…Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?" Sarge yelled

"Meaning who?" Sister asked

"The Archbishop of Canterbury, of course." Sarge said

The knights look at each other, nod, and leave

"And then what happened?" Sister

"What do you think, they went straight off and killed him, of course!" Sarge snapped as the knights leave the castle.

* * *

Meanwhile we see Voltar, Frogg and Red menace entering Voltar room in the cathedral.

"Right, now, let's get down to business shall we?" Voltar said

"Business, my lord?" Red asked

"Yes, Frogg has been looking at some of the ways we can actually make a bit of money in this job." Voltar said

"Well, my lord…there seems to be four major profit areas. Curses, pardons, relics and even selling the sexual favours of nuns." Frogg said pointing to each object on the desk

"Selling the sexual favours of nuns" Voltar said surprise "do some people actually pay?"

"Well, foreign businessmen, other nuns, you know." Frogg said shrugging his shoulders

"Let's start with pardons, shall we?" Voltar said

"Well, here's a fair selection. " Frogg said as he lifts a piece of paper up and starts reading.

"Basically you get what you pay for. It runs from this one which is a pardon for talking with your mouth full, signed my an apprentice curate in Tewkesbury.

"How much is that?"

"Two pebbles." Frogg said picking up a different scroll "All the way up to this one, which is a pardon for anything whatsoever, including 'murder, adultery or dismemberment of a close friend or relative'."

"And who's that signed by?" Voltar said

"Both popes. Curses are pretty much the same really. I bought this one for half an egg." Frogg said handing a scroll

Voltar begins to read "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head." Voltar finished it lamely

"Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this beauty, and its only for four ducats" Froggs said giving the other written curse to Voltar.

Voltar reads "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."

"Does this work?" Red asked

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Nah I'm pulling your leg" Frogg chuckles.

(the two knights approach Canterbury)

"Now moving on to relics," Frog said as he starts to pull off fake relics.

"we've got shrouds, from Turin, wine from the wedding at Cana; splinters from the cross, and, of course, there's stuff made by Jesus in his days in the carpentry shop: got pipe racks, coffee tables, coat-stands, bookends, crucifixes, a nice cheeseboard, fruit bowls, waterpoof sandals..." Frogg stops as he picks up a piece of wood that's partly carved "Oh, I haven't finished that one yet."

"But this is disgraceful, My Lord! All of these are obviously fake!" Red saod

"Hah, yes!" Voltar said

"But, but how will people be able to tell the difference between these and the real relics?" Red asked

"Well, they won't! That's the point!" Voltar said a bit evilly.

"Well, you won't be able to fool everyone! Look" (Red takes a red cloth from his sleeve) "I have here a true relic."

"What is it?" Voltar asked

Red unwraps the cloth as he says "It is a bone from the finger of Our Lord. It cost me 31 pieces of silver."

"Good lord. Is it real? Voltar said

"It is, My Lord. Frogg, you stand amazed."

"I am. I thought they only came in boxes of ten." Frogg said opening a small box box showing ten finger bones "I could have let you have one for a couple of groats. Even though Fingers are very big at the moment."

"What?!" Red said shocked

"Mind you though, for a quick sale you can't beat a good nose." Frogg ignored Red outburst as he got a box out "Here's the sacred appendage compendium party pack." Frogg said as he opens some more boxes and Red is amazed and disgusted at the contents.

"Here's Jesus' nose, St Peter's nose, a couple of St Francis's and a box of… (picks up a pair of false breasts) er, no -- they're Joan of Arc's."

"Why that… Meanie. I'll show him." Red said as he exits into the hallway "I'll show him!"

Red then opens the outer door, and finds the two knights, with swords raised. They rush in, but then act casual, resting their swords on their shoulders with the knight revealed to be Cleveland brown and Lester Krinklesac (both from the Cleveland show

"Hello." Both said

"Good evening. And, er, what can I do for you?" Red asked

"Well, we're here to murder the Archbishop of Canter—" Lester began to say but Cleveland interrupted and said "…bury's enemies."

"Er, yeah what he said" Lester said.

"You see, we fear that he may be in danger." Cleveland said

"Really? How?" Red asked

"Well, let me see. Perhaps good King Sarge, angry with the Archbishop for some reason..." cleveland

"Don't know why..." Lester added.

" ...might well send two drunken knights..." Cleveland gestures at himself and Lester " ...freshly returned from the Crusades and are on a mission to wreak vengeance on him." Cleveland finish

"That's a good point -- it has happened before." Red said

"Quite."

"Yes indeed."

"Er, I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch your names." Red menace said

"How do you do, my names Cleveland brown." Cleveland said

"Names Lester, were both drunken knights, freshly returned from the Crusades, and here on mission for good King Sarge. God bless the man." Lester said getting a incredulous look from Cleveland.

"And your mission...?" Red asked

"Well, as I said, we're here to kill—"

" ...a bit of time before our next Crusade." Cleveland said glaring at Lester

" Er, yes. That's it." Lester said

"Oh, right, yes. Well, I'll just go and get him." Red said

Red Menace turns his back, and the knights raise their swords ready to attack, but Doktor Frogg arrives, and They again lower their swords, and bow their heads.

"Ah, Frogg..." Red said

"Yes?" Frogg said, he then does a double take as He looks at the knights with horror.

"A couple of knights to see the Archbishop..." Red said

"Oh my God!" Frogg said as he rushes back into the room.

Red faces the knights again "that was a weird"

Voltar was lying on his bed as Frogg barges in looking scared as hell. "What the matter Frogg, is it your b-day and that evil robotic clown came back to beat you up." Voltar ask curiousy

"No. The fact is: there are twp men outside who've come to kill you." Frogg said trying to fit into a priesthole

"WHAT?!?" Voltar shouted scared as hell.

In the hall, we see Red, Cleveland and Lester are having a laugh bout something

"I'm terribly sorry about this. I'll just see what the delay is." Red said entering the room and see Voltar and Frogg acting frantic

"Look, what's going on?" Red said

"Those two men have come to kill us!" Frogg said stuffing pillows under the bed sheets.

"Oh, come on! Honestly, Frogg! Just because a couple of people a bit of drinking (the knights begin chopping through the door making Frogg and Voltar gape in horror), you assume they're bound to be mindless killers!"

Red finally notices the door being cut apart. "Well there yoke on my face."

"Oh my God! There's no way out!" Voltar screeched as (they all kneel and pray by a Alter like place praying for there lifes but Voltar panics and grabs the crucifix, which pull back opening a secret passage.

"Good lord!" Voltar said looking surprise

"Quick!" Frogg said as he, Red and Voltar rush through the door, it shuts just as the knights burst through the door to Voltar's bedroom. They see a bed with a obvious lump underneath the covers.

"Sssh! They've dozed off." Lester said. both knight begin to creeps up to the bed and then start to stab the bed, suddenly they realise that it is just bed sheets underneath.

"Oh, damn. They must have gone down the secret passage to the nunnery." Cleveland said as he pulls the crucifix and they both enter the passage.

Cleveland and Lester enter the nunnery, but they only find the bedroom empty apart from three nuns praying at another altar-thing.

"Excuse me, three men came in. Which way did they go?" Cleveland said

One of the nuns turn but its really Voltar covering his mouth and speaks femininely. "Oh, I think they went that way."

"Thanks." Lester said as he and cleveland begin to walk away.

"Wait! They'll be watching out for us dressed like this. Quick! In here." Cleveland motions as they head somewhere

Voltar and company (red and frogg were the other two nuns) begin to walk down the way, but run into the knights, who now also are dressed as nuns. All five giggle like girls, covering their mouths.

"Have you sisters pray seen two burly knights pass this way?" Frogg ask in a Feminine voice.

"No sister, more's the pity." Cleveland said also in a Feminine voice

"Why don't you try that way?" Lester said in (surprise) feminine voice

"Thanks lady" Red said in his regular voice.

"No problem" Lester said also in his regular voice

(They all turn to walk away until it suddenly dawns on them all who are in the disguises, they all draw out swords and start to fight.)

"Wait, where did we get swords from?" Red said confuse.

"Less talking more trying to preserve our lives red menace." Frogg said

(Scene change - A real Mother Superior and a nun are walking towards the dormitory.)

"And yet, Mother Superior, does not St Paul say in the Ephesians, 'a woman is like a bat, often heard, but never seen'." The nun asked

"No, I don't think so Sara. Shall we check the dormitory?" the mother superior asked

"Oh yes, Mother Superior, what a good idea." Sara said

Back at the nunnery. Frogg and Red try to fight against Cleveland while Voltar dodges Lester sword which got stuck in one of the wooden partitions and climbs on top of him and using his fist to beat on his head. The Mother Superior and Sister Sara enter

"Girls! Girls! Girls!" The mother superior said annoyed.

Red, Frogg and Cleveland drop their swords and jump into beds.)

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: fighting in the dormitory is completely forbidden! Who is the ringleader here?" The mother superior looks around looks and spots Voltar "You! Yes, you -- the plain girl. (takes off headgear) Oh my God! It's the Archbishop of Canterbury!" she said shocked

Sara: (removing Justin's headgear) And a man, Ahhh!

"Er, I think I can explain." Voltar said as he laughs uneasily.

-------------

Voltar is bent over a desk and is being gently whipped by the nun.

"And that sweet lady is the whole story." Voltar said

"Let us just go over the facts again. Having been appointed archbishop, you found that all your interest lay in the beauty of your vestments."

"Alas, the fine embroidery."

"And unable to resist the slide into depravity, you began to dress up in the habit of a nun."

"I couldn't resist the texture of the hessian under things." Voltar said

"Oh, I can understand that, but than you forced the bishop of Ramsgate and one Brother Frogg to do so also."

"May I be cursed for it!" Voltar said sadly

"And finally, you got two knights drunk and invited them to come and wrestle with you inside the nunnery in an orgy of heathen perversity?"

"That's it, Your Grace." Voltar said sadly

"This shameful tale bears the unmistakable ring of truth. And I must therefore tell you that this morning I have written urgently to all three popes recommending your immediate excommunication. Never more may you be Archbishop of Canterbury.

"Oh dear." Voltar said hanging his head but we can see him grinning

"That's enough, Sister Sara. I think he's learnt his lesson." The Mother superior said as the nun stops whipping Voltar."

"Go sinner and meet thy doom."

A doorway opens on it's own and Voltar starts to walk down the long corridor beyond it. He emerges to find Red Menace and Doktor Frogg back in there regular attire.

"So did that total lie work?" Frogg asked

"Yep I'm free from being archbishop, btw did you leave the stinkbomb. In the nunnery."

"Yep, and I suggest we leave quick!" Frogg said as the three of them begin to run away.

_That's the end of Archbishop now were moving onto, The Queen of Spains beard._


	12. The Queen of spain Beard pt1

_Heres the start of the Queen of Spains Beard, oh and Pachysam I like your suggestion, I'll use them_

(On the castle ramparts at night, in darkness; two hooded figures meet)

"O noble prince, your secret note of love has won my heart. The castle of my body is yours by right of conquest. Come, let your tongue dive into the moat of my mouth and let your hands take possession of the ramparts of my plumpies, for I'm yours (removes her cloak) and yours alone!" the woman said

The man took off his hood, revealing he's Voltar, Duke of Edinburgh on stilts "And I'm yours!" Voltar says.

"Eugh! Voltar! I thought you your brother!" the woman then pushes Voltar off the rampart; dogs are heard attacking him making him scream in extreme pain.

The camera breaks as we see its now day time as the narrator speaks once more giving us clues to a history that was forgotton.

"In 1492, after the death of Randolph XII of Saxony and the collapse of the Treaty of Insects, Europe was in disarray. Kingdoms rose and fell; borders, even languages changed; men were killed by their own side and women raped by soldiers from up to seven different nations every week."

(Sarge is on the floor in a room with a large map and large figures. A boy with green hair a big nose wearing a shirt and purple pants that goes by the name Ferb is on the floor beating a drum with the lyrics based off a war-song, and two other men are in the room, looking over a large piece of paper.)

"The courts of Europe throbbed with activity, and none more so than England...." The narrator finish as Sarge looked at the readers and said "Finally I thought that narrator guy never shut up. Now where was I," Sarge said picking up a figure.

"Oh right I was saying the Swiss are always cowards." Ferb doesn't pick up the figure, and stick to beating his war-drum.

Cosmo poofs into the room and says "My Lord, news: the Swiss have invaded France."

"Excellent!" Sarge said as he turns to a guy in a wheel-chair with a gray shirt, blue pants and black shoes. "Joe, while they're away, take ten thousand troops and pillage Geneva."

"But the Swiss are our allies, My Lord." Joe pointed out

"Oh yeah… get them to dress up as Storm-trooper, will you?" Sarge asked

"Fine" Joe said wheeling out of there.

"Kisame (Naruto), remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of his son.

"The one you had murdered, My Lord..." Kisame asked

"Yes, that's the guy." Sarge said as Simmons enter the room

"Father—"

"My Lord—" Cosmo said turning to Simmons

"Will you get away from me!!!" Simmons shout making Cosmo to poofed out of there.

"Ah, Simmons, the gentle art of diplomacy! But you well know, where the real secret of diplomacy lies, don't you, my boy...

"Bribery?" Simmons asked

"There." Sarge said pointing to Simmons groin

"You sure? I can't imagine anything of any real interest down there." Simmons said

"Let me explain. What's that for?" Sarge asked

"Well, a couple of things..."

"Correct, and one of those things is...?"

"Best not mentioned, really." Simmons said

"Right! And the other is Sex! And without sex, there is no marriage; and without marriage, there is no diplomacy." Sarge finished

"Okay, I think I get it." Simmons said

"Very good. Come on, let me explain further." Sarge takes Simmons to the map on the floor.

"You see, my boy, I have decided to ally to a nation most threatening to France. The answer, of course, is -- Ferb..." Sarge said as Ferb moves one of the human figures on the map.

" ...Spain. And the best way to cement an alliance, of course, is marriage. Therefore, I have decided that you shall marry the Spanish Infanta!" Sarge said chuckling a little.

"congratulations, Your Majesty!" Kisame said shaking Sarge hand.

"Actually, I don't think I can." Simmons said speaking up.

"What? Why not?" Sarge asked turning to Simmons

"Well, you already engaged me." Simmons said

"What? Who to, boy?" Sarge asked shocked.

"Princess Zelda of Hyrule... and the Grand Duchess Alexis of Branden- burg; and Queen Beowulfa of Iceland; and, er (starts to read from a list), Countess Renee of Luxembourg; Bertha of Flanders; Bertha of Brussels; Bernard of Saxe-Coburg; and Jezebel of Estonia. (Confused about the male name in there, he checks his list he then sighs in relief) "No no no, sorry, that should be 'Bertha' of Saxe-Coburg..." (then does a shocked double-take at the list) "...and 'Jeremy' of Estonia… Crap."

Sarge ignored simmons as he angrily rants "Damn, damn, damn, damn! But if I haven't got a son to marry her, then the whole plan falls apart!"

"Your Majesty..." Ferb finally stopped drumming and spoked

"Yes?" Sarge turn to him

"You do have another son, My Lord." Ferb said

"What?" Sarge ask, he then does a double-take "By God, of course! You're right. The slimy one -- what's his name?"

"Voltar, My Lord." Ferb said.

"Yes, Volley ball. Volley ball can marry the Infanta!" Sarge said happily

"Excellent!" Simmons said

"Then with the Spanish alliance, we can massacre both the Swiss and the French, (`Huzzah!' from the three other men; he slashes the map with his sword) by dividing their forces into two (`Huzzah!'), preferably their top halves from their bottom, since side by side dividing is for losers!" Sarge said getting one large `Huzzah!'

I know its short but I promise the next chap will be longer.


End file.
